It’s finally here. No, I don’t mean WrestleMania is here – I mean my predictions for WrestleMania where I tear most of it to shreds like I have the last couple of years. But they deserve it. That being said, this show – while there are definitely problems abound – is far superior to either of the last two Manias. And that’s thanks mostly in part to Smackdown, because it’s an actually good show. That being said, most of this card is Raw matches, which makes it far worse.

Before we get to the matches themselves, let’s get a few things out of the way.

For one, this bullshit Pitbull/Flo Rida performance. What in the actual fuck? I don’t mind musical performances, but they have to be good. I don’t know why WWE has such a boner for Flo Rida, Machine Gun Kelly, and Florida Georgia Line, but they need to realize awful trash when they hear it. Rock music or get the fuck out. The only time it’s okay for musical performances is when it’s a wrestler’s theme being performed. No random concerts. (Although admittedly I do enjoy the Saliva performance at Mania 18.) The absolute best musical performance at Mania was Bray Wyatt’s theme at Mania 30, Living Colour performing Cult of Personality for CM Punk at Mania 29, and Motorhead performing Triple H’s theme at Mania 17/21.

And secondly, the New Day is one of the most popular acts on your show and they don’t have a match. I shouldn’t have to explain why that’s dumb. I want to say them hosting is a big deal, but it’ll probably just be a bunch of dumb comedy segments. I need WWE to find some direction for the New Day so I can be invested in them again – but Raw is a dumpster fire so I don’t have any hope for that.

Thirdly, the matches that are on the preshow. I don’t mind the Cruiserweight Title and I don’t mind the battle royal on it. And I don’t mind the Smackdown Women’s Title there TOO much – let’s face it, it wasn’t super well built. BUT, the Raw Tag Title match has absolutely no build and I have no interest whatsoever, so really that should be on the preshow instead. Or honestly, put the mixed tag on the preshow because it’s irrelevant.

But that’s enough of that – let’s actually get to the matches.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Well, at least this year we know who is in this match. Last year we didn’t have a fucking clue. Credit where it’s due – they have done well with Baron Corbin after he won it last year. It took them a little while to get off the ground, but once he got drafted to Smackdown, things started to go well (because Smackdown) and now he’s one of my favorite guys on the show. There was a time I hated him but then I realized it was just that he was feuding with Rhyno and that’s why it wasn’t good. Anyways, good job, Big Show – you got into the best shape you’ve been in in a LONG time for your match with Shaq and it didn’t happen. Imagine going your entire career at the weight he was but then decide he needs to get into great shape to face an out of shape, old, retired basketball player instead of anyone else in the actual business he’s in. (But it’s good that that match isn’t happening because the biggest rant I was going to have on these predictions would’ve been about that match.) As far as other competitors go – Mojo Rawley can go suck a fuck, and anyone who likes him can too. Dolph Ziggler’s career died when Mojo beat him – there’s no coming back from that. WHY THE HELL IS SAMI ZAYN IN THIS? YOU COULD HAVE SAMI ZAYN AGAINST EITHER SAMOA JOE OR BRAUN STROWMAN BUT AT LEAST TWO OF THEM ARE IN THIS MATCH! Strowman…..You were doing so well with him, then he lost to Roman and got Chokeslammed by Undertaker. And now it feels like he might win this as a consolation prize – and even though I have someone else I want to win just a bit more – Strowman is really the ONLY logical pick to win here. WHY ARE AMERICAN ALPHA AND THE USOS IN THIS AND NOT HAVING A MATCH? Why did you not go with what I was saying and have Alpha face the Revival? And why is Luke Harper in this and not in the WWE Title match? FML. I want Harper to win most, but Strowman really has to. I don’t think Joe’s even in this.

Prediction: Braun Strowman

WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries

I really wish I cared about the cruiserweights but that’ll happen only if they can start competing with anybody. That being said, heel Neville is great. But Aries is better as a heel. But the match should be pretty good – and I’d like Neville to retain, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Prediction: Austin Aries

Six Pack Challenge for the WWE Blue Women’s Championship
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Naomi vs. Natalya

Fun fact: Both women’s matches on the show are the same women’s matches from either brand’s September PPV with one more or one different person. Smackdown’s has Mickie James replacing Nikki Bella and Raw has Nia Jax added to it. I don’t know if there are going to be more people added to this or not because they said EVERY available person – but since it’s on the preshow, I’m guessing we’re not getting any surprises. The only rightful winners are Alexa Bliss to continue her run and to feud with Naomi (barf) or Becky Lynch so the rightful champ can have her belt. I wouldn’t mind Mickie winning it either, or Carmella could be amusing with Ellsworth. Natalya can fuck right off and Naomi can do the same. (Until Naomi gets a new finisher, doesn’t do ineffective jumpy kicks, and gets a new entrance, she will NEVER, EVER, be anything worth watching. There is nothing good about entrances that cause seizures. And anyways, sorry, Naomi, you’re in your hometown so you’re going to lose. I hope you forget to tap out to a finisher AGAIN so your opponent will have to force you to like the last time you had a title match at Mania! Sheesh, suck less!) The only crime that this match being on the preshow is that Becky and Alexa don’t get on the main card and they deserve to be.

Prediction: Alexa Bliss

EDIT: This may or may not have been moved to the main show.

Now, onto the main show.

Triple Threat Ladder Match for the WWE World Tag Team Championship
(c) The Club (c) vs. SAWFT vs. Sheamus and Cesaro

Do you care? Because I don’t. Let’s not forget that despite the fact that the Club have the belts, WWE has done NOTHING with them since taking them away from AJ. I got into the three of them together, but because of awful booking afterwards, I stopped caring. SAWFT – I loved them in NXT, and when they first came up to Raw, I was excited. But sometime around SummerSlam I stopped caring – they just come out and do their intro and that’s it. They win TOO much when they’re supposed to be an underdog team. And if you want to ruin a character for me, put them in a bullshit love triangle with Rusev and Lana – because Enzo being a misogynist is totally going to get me to cheer him. FUCK. They did this with Dolph and then they did it with Enzo and it’s made me not care about either of them. Neither have come back from that. And I’m not even a big fan of Rusev – I acknowledge he’s talented but the anti-American gimmick is something we’ve seen countless times and it’s grown tired. (Although now that this country is literally garbage, the anti-American character is now the babyface and the super patriotic douchebag fucktard is the heel because trying to defend what’s happening in this country makes you the heel by default. Although the resistance is winning as we always will, and we aren’t tired of it yet!!) And Sheamus and Cesaro I will NEVER get behind as a team. Seriously, a best of seven series that consisted of 9 matches that Cesaro legitimately won but somehow they ended up tied at 5-3-1 so they made them a tag team which NO ONE wanted. And making this a ladder match barely helps. So, I suppose SAWFT wins because why not?

Prediction: SAWFT

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse

You know what? (What?) Until tonight I wasn’t really going to rant about this match that much. But after tonight, I have to. I was just going to say that when I first heard of this match that it’s kind of a waste of Cena – especially since he just won the title off of AJ – because why, exactly? But I guess if Nikki is leaving and wants to do one match her boyfriend – well, fuck it, kills two birds with one stone. It makes Cena not be able to defeat someone who really matters and it takes Nikki away from the Women’s belt so that’s always a plus. I was going to laugh hysterically through Cena proposing after it was over because that’s a joke. I was going to laugh because they chose to do this instead of Cena vs. Taker, but again, it’s not a big deal. And admittedly, these Total Bellas Bullshit episodes have been gold. Maryse is a better Nikki Bella than Nikki Bella, and she’s totally got the way she talks down. But then John had to open his mouth tonight. And everything he said was absolute trash. Let’s see – he tried to flip the whole “not married” thing on Miz and Maryse by saying something like “No kids,” even though they don’t want them at the moment and people marry for reasons that are other than kids. The whole “not married” thing is a joke because Nikki is desperate to marry John and he wants nothing to do with it. (Seriously, John, get with it – this is your life! Be present in it!) And then he goes off about Nikki “not costing Maryse a contract with WWE” because she’s in the company. But it’s well known that the Bellas have in fact done that. Just look it up – she and Brie wanted more money to do Total Divas so they went to Maryse, Kelly Kelly, AND Maria Kanellis and convinced them that they should all hold out on signing to do the show so they’d all get more money to do it. Then WWE told the Bellas that they’d give them more money to do it but it would only be them, so the Bellas accepted that money to do it and didn’t care that the others got the short end of the stick. So that’s what happened. They cost three people jobs. I remember Maria even called them out about this back then and the Bellas were so afraid of her that their father called Maria or called her father to try to get her to stop telling the truth. They can’t fight their own battles for themselves, that’s why they surround themselves with so much power. When one of those crazed Bella fans try to attack you for saying something about them, always remember that they kept people from getting contracts, held actually talented women back, and can’t do anything for themselves. And that’s true here because this entire promo was Cena complaining to Maryse about things Nikki herself should have been saying but since she’s an awful promo, that didn’t happen. Cena tried giving Nikki credit for the Women’s Revolution, even though he’s a man speaking for a woman so that failed, and that she legitimately held other women back during her title reign (not all of that is her fault entirely, but she certainly didn’t do anything to prevent it, either), and that the goal of the Women’s Revolution was to eradicate people like the Bellas that are still in the company. Never forget that Cena tried to be feminist for a second and then immediately spanked his girlfriend on live TV. He also made fun of Maryse having botox, even though Nikki has fake breasts and he’s been on steroids before. Quite frankly all he did was prove everything Miz and Maryse said right. Miz and Maryse really should win this match if there was any just force in this world, because they don’t have to take this bullshit. All they did was tell the truth, and once that happened, Cena and Nikki had to come out and bully them. And trust me, Cena acts like the only way someone is a man is if they can beat him up, as if violence proves how big and strong you are. That mindset is of a weak, pathetic fool. And when Cena and Nikki win and then he proposes for real, we’re all just going to laugh and know that it’s only in kayfabe. And if this is actually Nikki’s last match, then goodbye and good riddance – you were never welcome here and no one will miss you when you’re gone. And if WWE puts the Bellas in the Hall of Fame for some reason, we’ll know that the whole women’s revolution is a lie. (Although it’s still somewhat is.) AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY IS AL ROKER THE GUEST COMMENTATOR OR RING ANNOUNCER? FUCK!

Prediction: John Cena and Nikki Bella

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin

This might just be the one match that I have absolutely no problem with at all. I love both guys and have loved this feud – although it should be a gimmick match. Looking forward to it.

Prediction: Baron Corbin

Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match for the WWE Women’s Championship
Bayley (c) vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte vs. Nia Jax

God they screwed up so much over the past year. A year ago, the women’s title match was the match I was most looking forward to on the show. Bar none. And while I can’t say I’m not looking forward to this because I love Sasha and I love Bayley, they’ve just screwed up SO MUCH. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s just the four of them on Raw, which makes them keep doing the same thing OVER AND OVER. They take the best or second best woman on the roster in Emma and make her a running joke and not use her after her injury when the division is desperate for new blood. Imagine this match with Emma instead of Nia. SO MUCH BETTER. So, Bayley was great in NXT and obviously the talent is still there, but they killed the character. SHE’S AN UNDERDOG. WHY’D SHE WIN THE TITLE ON A RANDOM RAW AND NOT AT MANIA? WHY IS SASHA STILL A FACE? PLEASE JUST LET HER TURN HEEL. SHE’S THE BEST HEEL IN THE COMPANY! (Or at least in the top 3.) WHY IS CHARLOTTE STILL GIVEN A MICROPHONE? HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED? WHY DO YOU TREAT HER AS A FACE? And even though her PPV streak was bullshit, WHY WAS IT BROKEN ON A RANDOM PPV IN FEBRUARY AND NOT AT MANIA?? And, like, WHY IS NIA? (I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING ELSE – JUST WHY IS SHE?) And why is this an elimination match? Is it a way to get Nia’s ass out quickly to make it a good match afterwards? Am I supposed to believe that Charlotte will be pinned two shows in a row? Can Sasha please turn heel and claim her rightful title? Please?? PLEASE?!?! FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR UNCONSTITUTIONAL GOD, PLEASE?!?!

Prediction: Bayley

WWE United States Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens

Another match that I’ve got pretty much no problem with. The only problem I have is that Owens and Styles both held their brands titles for a long time until the past month and a half and now they’re without their championships. This is WrestleMania. This is where those long title reigns should be ENDED. Someone should be facing Owens and Styles for their titles now and be taking it from one or both of them. You could do stories that are so much better. But that being said, this feud has been great. The festival of friendship was the best thing on Raw in a LONG, LONG time. But my one issue is that I could see Jericho winning this, and I shouldn’t. Just something about the storyline makes me feel that way.

Prediction: Kevin Owens

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

LOL. WWE seriously thinks that Roman beating the Undertaker at WrestleMania in quite possibly his final match is going to get him cheers. LOL, NO. But Taker looks bad now – he really needs to retire. It’s got to be short. And Roman kind of has to win. And as much as him turning heel to do so would be great, it’s not going to happen. I don’t really have a rant for this, but it’s dumb as fuck. Although, if this seriously goes on last, WWE is even stupider than we thought.

Prediction: Roman Reigns

A.J. Styles vs. Shane McMahon

I don’t have anything against this match itself – I think the idea of this match could be entertaining. However, this is WrestleMania, and the best you can do for AJ Styles, the best performer in your company, is Shane fucking McMahon?? FUCK OFF. The only good part of Shane’s cell match was that stupid jump off the cell WE ALL KNEW was going to happen so it wasn’t even shocking and now they’ve replayed it so many times that it’s meaningless. And that whole storyline was dumb as hell too. This feud at least makes sense, even though it shouldn’t be happening. The whole Orton didn’t want the title shot rigamarole was some convoluted bullshit to setup this match and not a way to get Harper into the title match like it should have been. And this is just a regular match – so unless that changes, Shane has no chance. Shane’s not going to be able to jump off of something high up unless there’s a ref bump that kills the ref. That being said, it should be a good enough match – I just wish they’d learn to allocate their resources properly. Also, AJ had better fucking win.

Prediction: A.J. Styles

Unsanctioned Match
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

Another match I am looking forward to. I’m just hoping that Seth won’t reinjure himself. But thankfully he’s not missing two Manias in a row. I expect to see Samoa Joe during this. My one hope is that he uses the Curb Stomp but I know he won’t. I also hope Triple H isn’t going to be like “Well, I’m not losing to someone with a hurt leg.”

Prediction: Seth Rollins

WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar

Just shoot me. They really think that after the god awful Mania 20 match and the fact that Goldberg beat Brock in less than 90 seconds at Survivor Series to destroy all the heat Brock had when he ended the Streak just to give an old part timer some credibility when that could’ve been used to build an actual star on the roster is a good idea for a Mania main event you’ve got another thing coming. I said that after the bullshit that happened at SummerSlam with Brock and Orton that I will not accept bullshit UFC finishes on WWE PPVs. That includes less than two minute long main events. But now we had that at Survivor Series and Fast Lane and quite possibly WrestleMania. And Brock’s going to win because Goldberg is done – we know this. SO WHY SHOULD WE CARE? And Brock’s just going to lose it in a year to Roman SO AGAIN WHY SHOULD WE CARE??

Prediction: Brock Lesnar

WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton

While I am looking forward to this match, I’m really disappointed Luke Harper isn’t in it. He deserves to be here. And while I’m happy Wyatt won the title, unless he keeps the title, it wasn’t the right decision to take the belt off of AJ. I’m really hoping for a Wyatt victory here, but I’m not liking the odds.

Prediction: Randy Orton

Phew. Got through it all and I’m not dead. Thank God. Review on Sunday as always.

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