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You were so close to a perfect show, WWE. So close. Like, one different result and one less bullshit finish of the one bullshit finishes that there were.

Sheamus won the first match of the series on the preshow, to no one’s surprise.

The first match was SAWFT vs. Jeri-KO and it was really fun. Enjoyable with Owens and Jericho mocking them throughout, and Jeri-KO won with a combination of the pop-up powerbomb and codebreaker on Enzo which was pretty sweet. SAWFT was over as hell, to no surprise.

Rating: **1/2

Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte was a really damn good match minus two botches from Charlotte. She seriously couldn’t even hold up Sasha not once but twice, dropping her while standing on the second turnbuckle when trying to go for a super sidewalk slam, and falling when picking her up in a jackknife position. But everything else in this match was great. Well, until Charlotte won. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Rating: ***1/2

No, this isn’t going without a proper rant. Charlotte was champion for 308 fucking days. While it produced some good matches, most of it was torture. STOP WITH THE FUCKING NEPOTISM. CHARLOTTE’S MIC WORK IS AWFUL. SHE CAN’T CARRY HERSELF AS A CHAMPION. SASHA IS THE BEST WOMAN ON THE ROSTER BAR NONE. YOU GAVE HER A 27 DAY TITLE REIGN. CHARLOTTE SHOULD HAVE LOST THE TITLE AT MANIA. NOW SHE WON AT MANIA AND AT SUMMERSLAM. WHY DOES SHE GET TO WIN ALL THE BIG MATCHES WHEN SHE IS DEFINITIVELY THE WORST OF THE BEST. MERITOCRACY, PEOPLE. THE BEST GET THE BIG WINS. NOT THE MEDIOCRE. STOP PUSHING THAT THIS IS SOME KIND OF COMPANY BASED ON EQUALITY BECAUSE YOU KEEP SHOWING THAT THAT’S NOT THE CASE. GROW UP AND STOP MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS. UNLESS SASHA IS LEGIT HURT, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS AT ALL. THIS WAS SO DEFLATING AND IT TOOK AWAY FROM THE SHOW YOU DOPES.

The Miz defeated Apollo Crews in a decent match.

Rating: **

A.J. Styles defeated John Cena in the match of the night, definitely. It was incredible, and Styles won clean. He even kicked out of a super AA. This is a match you just have to watch.

Rating: ****

The Club defeated The New Day via DQ after Big E returned to save Jon Stewart from Ringpostitis. Now, I love Jon Stewart as much as the next guy, but if they’re going to get him to interfere in a SummerSlam match every year now, we’re going to have an issue. Stop with this, it’s uncalled for. I’m pleased they’re extending this feud just a little bit longer before the Club wins, because it just didn’t feel like the time.

Rating: **

Dean Ambrose defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the WWE Championship in a pretty good match. It was about as good as you could expect it to be, considering that they had to do damage control on Ziggler to get him to seem credible.

Rating: ***

Team Alexa recruited Nikki Bella to defeat Team Becky, with Nikki pinning Carmella to end the match. I don’t know if that means Nikki is on Smackdown now or not, because I felt like they’d want to put her on Raw. Also, the TKO as a finish for her is way better than her old finisher, because it at least follows up on the bullshit forearm. Anyways, when does Becky get to win a PPV match?

Rating: **

Finn Balor defeated Seth Rollins to win the Universal Championship in a really good match, probably the second or third best match on the show. My main problem with this match was the crowd – they did not like the title design and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it for like, ten minutes. So I had to mute the match for a while BECAUSE THE CROWD IS FULL OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THIS IS BALOR VS. ROLLINS HAPPENING, YOU DOPES. ACT ACCORDINGLY OR DON’T COME. YOU DON’T SPEND TEN MINUTES OF BALOR VS. ROLLINS BITCHING ABOUT A TITLE BELT DESIGN. YOU.FUCKING.IDIOTS. Anyways, really good match outside of that, glad Balor won because he kind of had to with the demon paint on.

Rating: ***1/2

Roman Reigns vs. Rusev never happened because they brawled before the match started and Reigns beat Rusev down so much that he couldn’t compete. Hurray.

And Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton was going along just fine until Lesnar just beat Orton down UFC style until he bled, and he kept doing it until he won by TKO. THIS IS NOT UFC. THIS IS WWE. IF I WANTED UFC I WOULD FUCKING WATCH UFC. And how does Orton even come back from that? Who can beat Lesnar when he can just do that to you instead? Think before you do things, WWE. Think.

Rating: **

Outside of that ending and Charlotte winning, this was the best SummerSlam in a LONG TIME. Like, probably since 2002.

Overall Grade: A-

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #LunaticFringe #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers #AJIsTheBestDivaInTheWorld #PaigeIsTheBloodyDivasChampion #InZayn #BalorClub #SashasTheBoss #FightOwensFight #BecauseHesAFatherDamnit #WelcomeToTheWasteland #SAWFT #BayleysGonnaHugYou #JoeIsGonnaKillYou #ReadyWillingAndGable #BAMF #BlissedOff #SAVE_US #JerichoInventedEverything #NewDayWillFightYourChildren #CeroMiedo #SamoaJoeHasAn8AndaThirdPercentChance #ReyIsLifeReyIsLove #BaddestBitchInTheBuilding #CesaroSection #JohnnyRudo #SuicidalAngel #ImNotAManImAMachine #IsItOctoberYet? #IsItSeptemberYet?

!bye

-Mzrc-

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