Well. That was, uh, something. That might be the best compliment I can give this show. It’s weird – I enjoyed a good number of the matches, but I hated almost all of the results. So that leaves me in an odd place.

Kalisto defeated Ryback in a good match to retain the U.S. Championship to open the preshow. I feel like smaller opponents like Kalisto are probably the only ones that Ryback works well with, because this is yet another good match between them. Ryback probably works best with opponents he can impose his size on. I enjoyed several of the slams he was hitting and that he held him up in a suplex as he walked up the steps to toss him into the ring. But Kalisto retained after hitting the Salida Del Sol after Ryback hit an exposed turnbuckle.

Team Paige vs. Team Emma was decent enough for what it was. I’m surprised Eva wasn’t booed constantly but there wasn’t that many people in the crowd yet. Paige did most of the work for her side to no one’s surprise, and the moments she was facing Emma were the best parts of the match. Lana is dumb – she hit her kick on Paige and got her down long enough but she just stood and taunted before tagging in Tamina. Brie gets the win for Paige’s team and then Nikki came out and no one cared. HEY AT LEAST PAIGE IS UNDEFEATED AT MANIA STILL.

The Usos vs. the Dudleyz is the de facto worst match of the night because it was pointless and the Usos won with Superkicks because reasons. And then they put the Dudleyz through tables with diving splashes to annoy us.

But, the most important part of the preshow was Lita unveiling the NEW WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP that the winner of the triple threat would be awarded. It looks really cool and it’s what was sorely needed. Do you know how long I’ve had to call this stupid Divas Championship the Second Rate Women’s Championship??? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT IT EVEN WENT DOWN FROM SECOND, TO THIRD, TO THIRD AND A HALF, AND EVEN AS LOW AS A FOURTH RATE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP???? Of course you don’t unless you’ve been following my blog since 2010 back when it was protected on Xanga. Do you know how long I’ve been sick of this fucking joke of a championship title? It’s only memorable for a 295 day title reign WWE would like you to forget ever happened and for Paige. All of the rest was either a shit stain or not memorable. I’m so happy we can forget this title was ever a thing and that all other way too incredibly long title reigns that happened because WWE is petty will be scrubbed from history and will be like they never happened. And people of similar talent and skill level will NEVER hold this title again because there is a standard that they haven’t reached and likely never will. Thank you, NXT for bring women’s wrestling back. Thank you, WWE, for finally having the common sense to get a title worthy of the women you currently employ and are starting to make the center of your main roster women’s division as well. It’s taken way too long, but progress is progress and I applaud you for taking this important step. There is still a lot of work to be done, though, and I expect you to keep going in that direction. Thank you for also allowing all of the dumb stans who hate Charlotte (and other women in the company) inexplicably for wanting the women’s title and not some piece of garbage and saying stupid things like “She needs to worry about the title she has” as if that’s an actual criticism of a person. Dumb stans are dumb.

Now on to matches that actually count towards show ratings!

The opening match was the Intercontinental Championship ladder match. This match was good – I enjoyed it more than the one from last year. Mostly it was from the rivalry between Owens and Zayn. Zayn diving through the ladder and over the ropes onto people and then doing the through the ropes tornado ddt on Owens was great. Ryder’s elbow drop off the ladder must have hurt him more. Owens’ frog splash onto Zayn (was it Zayn?) onto the ladder was great. And Zayn’s Chimera-plex to Owens onto the ladder looked like it killed Owens. And then the match died when it looked like Miz was going to win only for Zack Ryder, dude who was in the match because Neville and countless other people got hurt, won the title. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS NOT 2011 WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THIS FUCK ANYMORE? HE HANGS OUT WITH MOJO FUCKING RAWLEY ON NXT OF ALL PEOPLE AND HE’S DATING EMMA. At the end of the day, he may be a jobber with poor choice of tag partners, but he still goes home as the winner because he has Emma and we do not.

Rating: ***

Chris Jericho vs. A.J. Styles was a good match – I enjoyed it. But, Jericho kicked out of the Clash again? Really? So this is just a move now. GREAT. His forearm is NOT a finisher. You can keep trying to get the Phenomenal Forearm to happen but it’s never going to happen WWE. That’s really disappointing. It’s not a bad match or anything – I feel like it’s probably the best one they’ve had. Just, again, questionable booking – which is something that kills a lot of this show.

Rating: ***

New Day vs. League of Nations was just ok. New Day’s entrance with the huge box of Booty-O’s and Saiyan armor was really the highlight of all of this. But League of Nations winning just puts a sour taste in my mouth I can’t get out. And I really don’t care about legends coming out to attack the league of nations afterwards.

Rating: **

Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose in a Street Fight was about what was expected. Suplexes galore. And Ambrose trying to take Brock down with whatever weapons he can find. It was good, but nothing exceptional. Lesnar wins after an F-5 to Ambrose onto a pile of chairs. The logical winner for a change, but the one I wanted the illogical winner for so I’m still annoyed!!!

Rating: **1/2

There was a Snickers commercial which had Charlotte being Zack Ryder and we have found why Ryder won the IC Title. It was so when Ric called Zack (who was Charlotte but it’s a Snickers commercial so she “wasn’t her because she was hungry”) a champion it wouldn’t seem like it was a commercial

The Women’s Championship (Feels so good to type that) triple threat was easily the best match on the show and easily the best women’s match in WrestleMania history. And even then, the winner was still incorrect. Of course it would be Charlotte because that’s the one winner I didn’t want, right? I loved all of their entrances. This was so good – really, if there’s one match you watch this show for, it’s this one. Sasha’s tribute to Eddie Guerrero, too – amazing. The match itself was amazing, although Ric getting involved in the finish is extremely annoying. Charlotte retaining is so deflating for everything of what they did. But, for what it’s worth, proud of all of them for what they’ve accomplished so far. Let’s hope that things continue to progress and that Becky doesn’t fall into obscurity now.

Rating: ****

Shane vs. Undertaker……Sigh. You do all of these stunts and stuff like you would get in all of the cell matches of old and I’m sitting here not believing Shane could even get up from the chokeslam on the steps. I mean, credit to Shane for jumping off the cell, but I’ve had no interest in this from the start and I wasn’t interested in it tonight. And Taker won! LOL. When they get back in the ring from being outside the cell you hear the ref or someone say Tombstone and end the match and then it happens so good job hiding that.

Rating: **1/2

Baron Corbin won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal which for some reason featured the likes of Tatanka, DDP, and Shaq. So hurray for Baron Corbin!

From now on battle royales don’t get ratings – they’re too similar to bother trying that.

The Rock came out to waste some of our time, then he and John Cena killed the Wyatts just to piss all of us off. I’m so sorry, Bray. You deserve so much better than this shit.

And Roman Reigns won the WWE title to thunderous indifference. I didn’t mind this match really up until he pulled HHH up from an arm submission twice and powerbombed him with an injured arm. Nice try, that will never fly with me. Also the crowd gave no fucks about this match – I heard NXT, Sami Zayn, and Bayley chants at the very least. Reigns won and didn’t turn heel and no one cared.

Rating: **

Overall I don’t know how I feel about the show, and I don’t think I’m ever going to have a definitive answer. Good matches with bad endings for the most parts or bad results. I don’t think I can rightly give this anything better than a C just because I enjoyed the actual matches – probably more than others – but I’m left shaking my head at the booking decisions. The only exemplary match on this show was the women’s title match despite it having the wrong outcome – and I think that’s agreed upon across the board from what I’ve seen, so that’s great. That’s the only thing you need to go out of your way to see.

Overall Grade: C

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