I watched WWE Fast Lane and all I have to show for it is this vast emotional damage. *Groans excessively.* I don’t even know where to begin. I was enjoying this show up until a point, but even then, what I was enjoying was nothing memorable.
Kalisto retained the U.S. Title in an alright 2 out of 3 falls match against Alberto Del Bitchbag but it was on the preshow so it adds nothing to the show. Hurray.
The show opened interestingly with Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch vs. Naomi and Tamina, and let me tell you, it’s my favorite match on the show. Not because it was anything exceptional, but it was solid, got time, and it was cool to see women get to open the show. It sucks that it was in front of a terrible crowd – Cleveland sucked all night. Anyways, solid match, team BAE wins.
Kevin Owens defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the WWE Intercontinental Championship in a decent match, because he’s a father damnit! But really – that’s all this was. Decent to good. But nothing you’ll remember.
Then the show went downhill, as Big Show, Kane, and Ryback defeated the Wyatts BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURSELVES WWE? BIG SHOW IS GOD AWFUL AND MUST RETIRE. KANE WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THE CORPORATE GIMMICK AND MUST RETIRE. AND RYBACK NEEDS TO STOP BEING A BAG OF DICKS, STOP USING CM PUNK’S MOVES, AND STOP BEING A TRASH HUMAN BEING AND GET OFF MY TV. And for fuck’s sake why does anyone need these people winning, why is Big Show taking down Braun Strowman, and why are you making us watch this? STOP.
Charlotte defeated Brie Bella to retain the second rate Women’s Championship in an inoffensive match. Now never put the Bellas on my tv again, and make sure Paige has a meaningful match at Mania or die.
I would love to say A.J. Styles vs. Chris Jericho was amazing. But it did not reach that level. There were too many botches – at least three. There was some nice things in this match – all involving Jericho doing dropkicks. And Styles hit the Clash thank God, but Jericho kicked out of it. The hell. And he didn’t turn heel. Great, but could’ve been better.
The Cutting Edge with New Day was fucking garbage. I expect SAWFT and I get that? What did that accomplish? What was the point? WHY WAS THIS ON PPV?!?!??!
In a first, Curtis Axel apparently defeated R-Truth because of something Goldust did but I have no idea what happened BECAUSE I FAST FORWARDED THROUGH IT! WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE? NO. NO NO NO. STOP THE PAIN.
RATING: MINUS FIVE STARS
And the main event of Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Brock Lesnar was ok until Reigns was in a Kimura lock for 30 seconds, took chair shots, and then immediately Speared Ambrose because he doesn’t know how to sell and won. The fuck.
Pain. And it’s just getting started.
Overall Grade: D+
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