Fastlane 2015

I finally get to talk about wrestling for the first time in a month since my computer died. And there’s quite a bit I want to say. I’m very disappointed I couldn’t write about NXT Rival last week since I didn’t have the opportunity, but oh well.

But, we find ourselves headed towards Fastlane. Yes, another new PPV name from WWE. So, it’s clear that when WWE needs to name a new PPV, they write the dumbest names they can think of and put them in a bag, and pull a random name out of it and there we go. Only in this case, Fast Lane wasn’t dumb enough, so they had to make it one word.

And let’s be honest – when we heard WWE was changing the name of the February PPV from Elimination Chamber to whatever they wanted to name it, we knew it was code for “Brock Lesnar’s not working February,” didn’t we? I mean, the only reason to change the Elimination Chamber PPV would be if there was no World Title to defend, as the #1 Contender wouldn’t needed to be decided considering that would go to the victor of the Royal Rum…….Oh.

That might not necessarily be true now, is it?

Well, WWE’s gotten themselves into a predicament recently with this whole Reigns and Bryan thing now, haven’t they? The outcry from fans have made them question their poorly laid out plans, and Sunday we find out what they decide to do. But we’ll talk more on that later. Let’s get to the rest of the show first.

Paul Heyman will be on Miz TV on the preshow because reasons.

Goldust vs. Stardust
Goldust vs. Stardust
Goldust finally gets that match vs. Cody he’s wanted for two years now……and it’s at Fastlane. Yes, the February PPV where they apparently must have a tag team breakup storyline happen – last year it was the Prime Time Players, a team that did so great on their own that they reunited this past Monday on Raw. That’s not going to happen with Little Gold Star as Goldust is going to become an agent. Another question is why does WWE feel like they need to have two tag teams breaking up at once? Miz and Mizdow are on that route too, and will likely face each other at Mania. Why are we doing two of the same stories? Why are we breaking up all the tag teams in the basically nonexistent tag division? Leave them together and we could almost have a legit tag division with PTP back and the Lucha Dragons likely coming up, to go along with the Usos, Uppercats, Ascension, New Day, and the Matadors. Dolph and Ryback and Rowan seem to be a thing too. Anyways, back to the match. I’d much prefer this to be at Mania because there’d be way more interest in it than Miz and Mizdow (I’m still unsure if Mizdow will go anywhere post-split with Miz, but we’ll see. The gimmick isn’t going to stick.) If it’s a one off match then Stardust will win.

Prediction: Stardust

WWE World Tag Team Championship
(c) The Usos (c) vs. Uppercats (Cesaro and Tyson Kidd)

The Usos vs. Uppercats
I’m assuming Tyson’s face is because he’s super confused to be on WWE PPV, despite the fact that he should’ve been on tons of them. Also this is a far better team than the Hart Dynasty. Anyways, if you’re wondering where “Uppercats” came from, it’s from a podcast called TWITWOW on Youtube. I found it hilarious and I can’t not call them that now. (Cesaro uppercuts people and Tyson is all about his cats. They aren’t Natalya’s.) Anyways, I hope Uppercats wins – if they don’t, there’s seemingly no direction for the division. But if they win it just to drop it right back to the Usos at WM then it’s silly. But, you know what – with Rikishi going into the Hall of Fame, I could see them losing the belts here just to win them back and have a moment with their father.

Prediction: Uppercats

WWE Third Rate Women’s Championship
Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige

Nikki Bella vs. Paige
At least this time it’s a title match. Is it me, or do the Bella Twins come off dumber every time they’re on commentary? It certainly seems like it. I sincerely hope they’re trying to come off as complete morons because if not…..Yikes. Anyways, obviously if there’s a wrestling god or something, then Paige will win and A.J. will come back and we can go back to that feud. Ideally, Paige should win, and in the coming weeks she should still be attacked by the Bellas, and A.J. can make the save and we can get a tag match of AJ/Paige vs. the Bellas so we can have that depiction of what the Divas division actually is, and AJ/Paige win and crush the Bella Twins fans into oblivion, AJ and Paige can have a submission match for the title at Extreme Rules which I’ll be going to. Fantasy booking ftw! Or they can just have AJ/Paige at Mania. But I feel like Nikki will retain. The Mania tag team match could still happen, though. As long as Bella vs. Bella doesn’t happen, we’re good. Otherwise there will be no actual women’s match at WM.

Prediction: Nikki Bella

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose

Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose
So, Dean wants to win the IC Title so he can have his picture up on the wall at WWE headquarters? Huh? What? I don’t get it. Weird motivation. Also, does he realize that he’s been U.S. Champion before so his face was on the wall or is on the wall or what? I don’t get it. Why is Ambrose this far down the card? Remember when he was main eventing PPVs with Seth Rollins? I mean, Bad News Barrett is great, but there’s bigger things for him to do than this. I don’t really have much to say about it – I’m sure it’ll be a good match, but the story is just stupid.

Prediction: Dean Ambrose

Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, Big Show, and Concessions Kane
Dolph, Rowan, and Ryback vs. Rollins, Big Show, and Kane
So this match is happening. Because reasons. Because they need to get them on the card. I doubt we get a Randy Orton sighting and I doubt Rollins loses.

Predictions: Seth Rollins, Big Show, and Concessions Kane

WWE U.S. Championship
Rusev (c) vs. John Cena
Rusev vs. Cena

Well, we’re doing this apparently. Unfortunately. Why is this match happening at Fastlane? If they do this now, they have no good reason to have this match at WM. If they do this, I fully expect my Dolph vs. Cena match at WM that I’ve been calling for since Survivor Series. But I won’t get that, will I? We’re just going to have to watch this crap twice, aren’t we? I’m struggling to care about Rusev. Come WM WWE’s going to find that their anti-American gimmick is going to get cheered because he’s going to face Cena. “OMG it’s Cena, Fuck America!!” LOL. I just don’t care. I’ve never cared about Rusev. And he’s just being built to be fed to Cena. If they’re smart, Cena wins here, then Rusev wins via submission at WM. He’d have to legit make Cena tap to come out of this stronger. I don’t want this to turn out like how Bray Wyatt turned out post-Cena last year. The only good match they had was their one at WM – Bray looked stronger in defeat then he did in victory a month later. But it reeks of a DQ so we’ll go with that.

Prediction: John Cena via DQ or countout.

Triple H “confronts” Sting
Triple H confronts Sting
So Triple H is mad about Sting, so he calls out Sting to appear at Fastlane so he can confront him, and then he goes out to the ring on Raw a week later to confront Sting about confronting him, so Sting responds, and then the next week Triple H goes to the ring to respond to Sting’s responding to his confronting of him about confronting him? Got it. That’s super clear. It’s 2015. I don’t care about Sting. I’d rather have Dolph vs. HHH at Mania.

#1 Contender’s Match
Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
This whole thing’s a mess. So, WWE knew the fan reaction they were going to get when Daniel Bryan didn’t win the Rumble. They knew that. It happened last year. And they set the precedent that if you bitch enough on Twitter, they’ll change things. So fans will think they can do that every year now. Next year just give the fans what they want! Such a weird concept!! Now, I completely agree that last year Daniel Bryan should’ve been in the Rumble and won. And even though he didn’t, Bryan getting into the main event and winning the title felt awesome. It felt like something. It felt like an awesome storyline fans created (with an assist from C.M. Punk leaving.) Let’s face it, Punk leaving had a lot to do with it, too. It forced them to pull Bryan from a meaningless match with Sheamus and put him against Triple H. Couple that with the fan reaction for Batista, and you get Bryan in two matches and he won the belt. It was awesome. It was perhaps overbooked, but he ended up with the title that he deserved – the storyline they started at SummerSlam 2013 built to that win. Then Bryan had a terrible feud with Kane and the was stripped of the belt due to injury. It sucked. And then he was back and entered himself in the Rumble. And he lost. And the internet was broken.

It was a shitfest. The whole Cancel WWE Network thing…..well, I’m not going to tell you not to cancel your subscription if it means that much to you, but I at least hope it’s more than just because someone you wanted to win lost. Your favorite can’t win every single night, no matter who it is. And having that big of a fit over someone losing is dumb. If it’s the last straw after the company has “wronged you” so many times, then ok. And those fans who blocked wrestlers from leaving the arena after the Rumble – fuck yourselves. They did nothing wrong, leave them alone and learn some respect. Go find the bookers and take it up with them.

So, I’m going to give WWE credit for at least addressing the matter on one hand, because they recognize there’s a divide. But on the other hand, it’s very convoluted to me. Triple H comes out and says there was this big controversy at the Rumble with how Roman won, and that they had to deal with it. What controversy, though? There was a fan reaction controversy, yes. But there was no actual controversy in the Rumble match. None at all. Reigns won fair and square. Triple H mentioned the Rock coming in and helping him fend off Big Show and Kane, but Show and Kane had been eliminated already. And Rock was gone before Rusev got back in.

If anyone has a right to gripe about the Rock coming out, it’s Rusev. The only effect Rock had on the match was keeping Roman on his feet when Rusev came back in. If Rock hadn’t been there, Big Show and Kane could’ve destroyed Reigns to the point where Rusev could have won. So Reigns vs. Rusev was the only thing that made sense.

But after Bryan beat Rollins to get here, and here we are. So now WWE needs to make up their damn minds. Personally, I’m not sure what I want. Do I think Daniel Bryan vs. Brock Lesnar would be the better quality match? I most certainly do. There’s no question of that. Make no question about it, size doesn’t matter in wrestling. Rey Mysterio has beaten Big Show, so anyone can beat anyone. (And WWE is scripted so if they want a big guy to lose to a small guy all they have to do is say so.)

But I wouldn’t mind Reigns winning either. I had a brief “Go away Reigns I hate you” period there, whether it was just post his return and those dumb promos or maybe it started around SummerSlam, I don’t know. But ever since the Smackdown before the Rumble, and especially everything he’s done post Rumble, he’s won me back. As long as he’s portrayed how he has been this past month, I have no problems with him. Is it too early for him to be winning the Rumble and main eventing Mania? Quite possibly. But I loved the Shield enough and he’s been doing well enough the past month that I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being. (Now his opinions on whether wrestling fans are allowed to criticize his performances on the other hand are complete bullshit. I may not be able to lock up but I know when match is bad or not. Just like I’m no chef but I know bad food when I eat it.)

In terms of what WWE SHOULD do, they really need to stick with Reigns. As much as I like Bryan more than Reigns, having Bryan win just do nothing good for anyone outside of a better Mania main event. For one, it would make Reigns look dumb for putting his title shot on the line. Two, it would make WWE look incredibly stupid. If WWE was going to have Bryan vs. Lesnar, they should’ve just had Bryan win the damn Rumble. Even if Reigns winning the Rumble ends up being a mistake, WWE really needs to own their mistake and just go with it.

Also, if Bryan were to beat Reigns, what does Reigns even do at Mania? There’s nothing in the cards for him as a backup because they were all gung ho on Reigns/Lesnar that they didn’t have a fall-back because they just assumed the fans would just go along with it. Bryan has many possibilities – Bryan vs. Rollins I would take any day over Bryan vs. Lesnar, to be honest. Granted I haven’t seen Bryan/Lesnar before, but I honestly couldn’t say it’s a “dream match” of mine. I’m a Daniel Bryan fan, yes, but I know I’m not the biggest one in the world. Bryan might be “the man” in WWE right now – at least for the majority of the internet and the majority of the audience – he’s never going to be my #1 favorite. He will never surpass C.M. Punk for me, or Chris Jericho, or Edge, and I’ve always loved Dolph Ziggler more. And now I would put Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Sami Zayn, and Finn Balor above him on my list of personal favorites. Is Bryan a better wrestler than at least a few of them? Yes. But it’s about personal taste, and while he may be a better wrestler, he doesn’t have some qualities that those others have that makes me like them more. I would potentially put other names such as Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Kevin Owens, and Cesaro above him too. It’s all a matter of personal taste.

Anyways, I digress. Bryan could face Rollins. Or Ziggler. Or someone else.

But here’s the problem. This match has reeked of screwy finish since it was announced. I’m fully expecting some bullshit that will lead to a triple threat match at WM and I want that less than anything. Own your mistake or change your mind, take your pick. But do not stay on the fence.

And when it comes down to it, remember, Seth Rollins will be WWE Champion at the end of WrestleMania anyway!

Prediction: Roman Reigns or a Screwy Finish

Well, that had to be the longest predictions post I’ve written in a long time. It felt good. I also hope we get an Undertaker tease on this show, since he’s going to have to be on by next Monday to set up the match with Wyatt. Otherwise it’s too late. Review Sunday. I may also have a fun wrestling related list post coming soon.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #LunaticFringe #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers #AJIsTheBestDivaInTheWorld #PaigeIsTheBloodyDivasChampion #InZayn #BalorClub #FightOwensFight #WelcomeToTheWasteland