So, since I realized that I made a post for the Slammys last year recently, I guess I may as well do it again. I might as well give out awards to their proper winners since WWE sure isn’t going to. Whether fan votes are rigged or not, the true winners are those that the smart wrestling fans know to be the winners.
I suppose I’ll just go with all of the ones WWE has, and I don’t know if I’ll add random awards at the end of my own. Probably not. There’s no real order to them – I have the categories listed on my phone in whatever order.
Tag Team of the Year
1) Little Gold Star
4) Slater Gator
5)Miz and Damien Mizdow
Well, the winners have to have been together most of the year to be legit, so that eliminates the last two options. (And Slater Gator? Really?)
And since Los Matadores are irrelevant, that leaves us with two options. And since the Usos have been boring since June, the clear winners are Little Gold Star.
Insult of the Year
1) Nikki Bella to Brie Bella “I wish you died in the womb.” (I wish they both did)
2) Paul Heyman raps on John Cena
3) Chris Jericho insults the Authority
4) The Rock insults Rusev
Well, anything the Bella Twins would ever win in their lives would be undeserved, so 1 isn’t it.
I don’t remember Heyman’s rap and The Rock was ok. But Jericho insulting the Authority is the winner.
Breakout Star of the Year
2) Roman Reigns
4) Dean Ambrose
5) Seth Rollins
Well, it’s certainly not Rusev, as he can fuck right off at any time. And Roman Reigns isn’t as over as WWE thinks he is.
Paige, while awesome, hasn’t really broken out. If this was “Rookie” or “Debut” of the year, she’d be the clear victor. But Breakout Star, she is not.
Dean Ambrose or Seth Rollins will suffice.
Guest Star of the Year
1) Larry the Cable Guy
2) Jerry Springer
3) Kevin Hart
4) Hugh Jackman
5) Betty White
An award for terrible Guest Stars? Typical WWE. I don’t remember what Kevin Hart even did – wait, didn’t he go out with the Rosebuds? Betty White did nothing at all. I didn’t watch the Jerry Springer thing because the Bella Twins themselves are enough of a train wreck that I don’t need Jerry Springer added in to make it that much worse. Larry the Cable Guy got hissed at by Stardust after being stupid. And I have no idea what Hugh Jackman even did buy I know it had to be better than this. OOOhhh yea he punched Damien Magneto-dow. Well it was still the best one.
Anti-Gravity Moment of the Year
1) Seth Rollins dives off the stage at Payback
2) Adrian Neville’s Red Arrow
3) Dean Ambrose’s dive onto lumberjacks
4) Kofi Kingston in the Royal Rumble
No real bad answers outside of number #4. I just remembered what Kofi did, which, while awesome, wasn’t anything that defied gravity.
Neville’s move is his finisher, which he does all the time.
And Ambrose’s dive, while awesome, doesn’t match up to Rollins’ dive off the stage. I prefer his dive at Extreme Rules but oh well.
NXT Superstar of the Year
1) Adrian Neville
2) Sami Zayn
3) Tyler Breeze
4) The Ascension
No real wrong answer, but Breeze would be the least correct.
Double Cross of the Year
1) The Authority on Randy Orton
2) Seth Rollins on the Shield
3) Nikki Bella on Brie Bella
4) Mark Henry on Big Show
Well, the answer here is obviously Seth Rollins on the Shield. It was the only one that had real consequences and was a big deal, and all of the other ones everyone saw coming.
Crowd Chant of the Year:
1) “You Sold Out” at Seth Rollins
2) “Nine Ninety Nine” for the WWE Network
3) “We the People” for Jack Swagger
4) “I’m Afraid I’ve Got Some Bad News” for Bad News Barrett
5) “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” for Bray Wyatt
Well, 1 is just annoying, and 2 would be rigged.
The winner should be 5, despite 4 also being ok. Fans were definitely most into Bray Wyatt’s song.
Hashtag of the Year
3) #Moscow Moose Knuckle (How did this make it on here, it isn’t PG.)
The only one I’d have a problem with is 5. You just know 5’s going to win right? You know they’re going to rig this so it makes people think that fans are talking about the WWE Network more than anything else, right? You know that’s what will happen. 2 is most accurate.
Animal of the Year
1) The bunny
2) The bull (El Torito)
3) The gator (Hornswoggle)
4) Grumpy Cat
HOW IN THE FUCK ARE WE GIVING SLAMMIES TO ANIMALS?
ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY AN ANIMAL.
BY SHEER DEFINITION GRUMPY CAT WINS BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY ONE THAT’S ACTUALLY AN ANIMAL.
And cats are better than any other animal, but you know.
Match of the Year
1) Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista
2) The Shield vs. Evolution (Extreme Rules)
3) John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (Last Man Standing)
4) Team Cena vs. Team Authority
The winner of Match of the Year is a tie.
It’s a tie between the Shield vs. the Wyatt Family at Elimination Chamber and Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins at Hell in a Cell.
None of these are you winners.
Cena vs. Wyatt wasn’t that good. It wasn’t even really a one on one match. It was a 3 on 3 captain fall Last Man Standing Match.
All of the other three are good matches, but they are not the best. I could live with 2 or 4 winning – preferably 2 but I won’t argue.
Diva of the Year
1) A.J. Lee
3) Nikki Bella
4) Brie Bella
Well, I wouldn’t argue if A.J. won considering she is the best diva in WWE at the moment (and third best of all time at least to be perfectly honest and fair), but the correct answer is Paige.
I guess in terms of overall accomplishments, you could easily make a case for either.
A.J. held the title since 6/16/13 through WrestleMania 30, successfully defending against all of the divas. She lost it to Paige the next night, before coming back and winning it back from Paige. She lost it to Paige before winning it back, then lost it in bullshit fashion to Nikki.
Paige debuted the night after WM30 and won the title from A.J., making her both the Divas Champion and NXT Women’s Champion, and the youngest champion in WWE history if I’m not mistaken. She lost it, won it, and lost it again.
Nikki Bella has done nothing but be part of one of the worst storylines in WWE history.
Brie Bella was fairly irrelevant until she got some momentum from quitting, getting some of the Daniel Bryan reaction even though undeserved. She had good crowd support in a feud with Stephanie that rightfully should have been A.J.’s right. And then partook in one of the worst storylines in WWE history.
I won’t argue A.J. winning, but I feel like Paige deserves something here.
LOL Moment of the Year
1) Damien Mizdow
2) Mr. T thanks his mama
3) Vickie Guerrero pushing Stephanie McMahon into pudding
4) El Torito vs. Hornswoggle, WeeLC match
Wasn’t 4 supposed to be taken seriously?
Anything else is fine. But Damien Mizdow should win so there’s more props for Mizdow to carry.
Extreme Moment of the Year
1) Brock Lesnar hits 16 German Suplexes on John Cena
2) Chris Jericho Cross Body off the Steel Cage on Bray Wyatt
3) Kane Tombstones Daniel Bryan on the floor, steel steps, and announce table
4) Seth Rollins Curb Stomps Dean Ambrose into cinder blocks
1 is invalid because one of the suplexes wasn’t a German Suplex.
I’d say 4 but Jericho can win too.
Surprise Return of the Year
1) Hulk Hogan
2) Ultimate Warrior
4) The Rock
Were any of these actually surprises? We knew Batista was coming back weeks in advance. We knew Hogan was coming. We knew Warrior was coming. I think people knew the Rock was around before it happened. Since it’s “Surprise” return I think Rock is most accurate.
But the most “surprising” return was probably A.J. Lee to be honest with you. I would say Chris Jericho but they were hyping “cross brand WWE superstar returns” before he showed even though they trolled with Miz first. I hadn’t expected A.J. at all.
“This is Awesome” Moment of the Year
1) Yes Movement Occupies Raw
2) Stephanie McMahon gets Arrested
3) Sting debuts
4) The Rock, Stone Cold, and Hulk Hogan at WM30
Well, almost all of them would work. Only 3 doesn’t work for me since we knew he was coming so that takes away from it and I don’t care about him anyway.
I think you have to pick 4 here but the other two wouldn’t be wrong
OMG Moment of the Year
1) Brock Lesnar ends the Streak
2) Seth Rollins turns on the Shield
3) Bray Wyatt’s Choir surrounds John Cena in a cage
4) Nikki turns on Brie
Well it certainly isn’t 4. Nothing OMG or surprising about it.
3 was awesome but it’d need to be in a different category to win.
Let’s be honest, the obvious answer to this is Brock ending the Streak. You can’t out OMG that.
Faction of the Year
1) The Shield
2) The Authority
3) The Wyatt Family
4) The Rosebuds
Well 4 isn’t even a faction. It’s one guy and a ton of people running around with him.
1 only last five months in, even if they did awesome things.
The Authority was part Shield, part Evolution, and Has Been Kane.
So you can either give it to the Shield anyway, or give it to the Wyatts.
Twitter Handle of the Year
NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
So, to win I have to follow you, so Bella Twins are out. In fact I’m doing all I can to get them to block me for the lulz.
Ryder is irrelevant and Ryback is a dumbass #SteroidGuy.
Almost all of them just use their names and that’s it, or generic ways to show who you are – we don’t give awards for having something just be your name, so Cena is out and Paige kind of is too.
The only winner here is Dolph Ziggler with Paige being the only other acceptable option.
Rivalry of the Year
1) The Shield vs. Evolution
2) Daniel Bryan vs. The Authority
3) John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar
4) Rusev vs. the USA
5) Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
3 is the only completely invalid one. 4 is valid but fuck it.
1 only lasted a month. And Shield vs. Wyatts was better.
2 or 5 would be fine, but 5.
Best Couple of the Year
1) Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella
2) Triple H and Stephanie McMahon
3) Jey Uso and Naomi
4) Tyson Kidd and Natalya
HAHA Nikki can’t even get a slammy for her relationship with Cena.
Anyways, the winner of Best Couple of the Year, let’s be honest – we all know it’s C.M. Punk and A.J. Lee. I mean, they’re made for each other, are both the best wrestlers of their gender in ages, have the best promos, and so on. And Punk doesn’t even need to be there for it to be true. You can see enough how much they mean to each other on Twitter and the internet to know this is right. The crowd even chants Punk during her matches, which annoys Punk because that’s stupid. And come on, let’s face it – audience, AJ doesn’t need your help screaming her husband’s name. (Ba-zing.)
For sake of argument, though – 3 can’t be given an award for one week’s worth of tv time together. (Total Divas isn’t canon.) 1 involves a Bella Twin, and some bad tv. 2 is probably the most accurate, but I feel like Tyson Kidd deserves an award for having to put up with his douchebag wife.
Superstar of the Year
1) Brock Lesnar
2) Dean Ambrose
3) John Cena
4) Seth Rollins
5) Daniel Bryan
6) Roman Reigns
7) Bray Wyatt
Finally at the last one.
Well, to be the superstar of the year, you have to be around all year. So that eliminates 1, 5 (Sadly), and 6. Ambrose was only gone a month and had enough of an impact for it not to matter.
Gotta suck to be Orton and not on this list.
As much as Bray is awesome, I can’ say he was the superstar of the year.
That leaves 3, 4, and 5 as the most accurate.
When we think of 2014, what are we going to remember it most for? We’re going to remember the Streak ending. We’re going to remember Daniel Bryan winning the WWE Title at WM30. We’re going to remember C.M. Punk leaving. And we’re going to remember the Shield vs. the Wyatts, the Shield vs. Evolution, and Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins. Maybe Brock Lesnar destroying John Cena. But it’s clear that, outside of a few moments, the most memorable, positive things in WWE in 2014, have all included Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. Maybe add in Dolph Ziggler’s moment at Survivor Series, which Rollins had a big part in too.
The right answer is probably Seth Rollins, which I have nothing wrong with. The fan in me will always say Dean Ambrose though. Either, or, take your pick. Ambrose or Rollins is the superstar of the year.
Damn that was a long post. I’m going to have a number of wrestling posts this week: Predictions/Review for NXT Takeover R Evolution, and for TLC. And another wrestling post sometime next week probably.
#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #LunaticFringe #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers #AJIsTheBestDivaInTheWorld #PaigeIsTheBloodyDivasChampion