Hell in a Cell 2014 Poster

In spite of everything – the terrible Raws, terrible storylines, and terrible celebrity segments – I’m still looking forward to this PPV. To be fair, there’s only two matches that you know will likely suck, with one more potentially, so as long as the matches pull through that need to, it could be a good show. Let’s get into the bad and we’ll work our way to the good.

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella
Loser is the other’s bitch for a month

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella

My first question is this: Is this storyline actually still happening? I wasn’t aware. You see, when I watch Raw, these two never grace my tv screen unless women with talent are on the screen with them, like A.J. and Paige. (Trust me, it’s a lot more watchable when you skip useless trash.) Thusly, I haven’t seen these two exist at all since Nikki tapped to A.J. the night after Night of Champions, and all was right in the world. The Bellas learned their place and it will remain that way if they want the Divas Title to have any credibility. That being said – good God, this match is actually happening. It’s what all of us never wanted – a match between someone with no talent and someone with less. THERE IS A NEGATIVE AMOUNT OF TALENT!!! Brie can have decent matches with those who can carry her, but her sister is useless and niether will be able to carry the other. Apparently the loser becomes the winner’s bitch for a month so Nikki will win because it makes no sense for Nikki to end up in that role. That’s clearly something to build sympathy for the face so Brie will end up doing that and then winning an even more unnecessary second match. Just remember, ten weeks ago Brie seemed like she was kind of a big deal going against Stephanie and now we’re here.

Prediction: Nikki Bella

Big Show vs. Rusev
Big Show vs. Rusev

Big Show vs. Rusev, because Mark Henry vs. Rusev wasn’t enough to annoy the crap out of us. I heard their first match was good but I doubt that was true. We can only hope, but both of them suck so there’s not much hope. The feud is also terrible. USA vs. Russia yet again because stupid. The Rusev attacks soldier thing is stupid because you knew the second Rusev used an actual move of his that the thing was fake. Rusev wins and no one cares.

Prediction: Rusev

WWE U.S. Championship
Sheamus (c) vs. The Miz
Sheamus vs. The Miz

This match could be solid, but I bet it ends with The Miz looking at the ref and getting Brogue Kicked out of the corner! It’s how all Sheamus victories happen. Anyways, I feel like Sheamus will win but there’s more of a story that could come between Miz and Damien Mizdow if Miz were to win, so a Miz win wouldn’t bother me.

Prediction: Sheamus

WWE World Tag Team Championship
(c) Little Gold Star (c) (Stardust and Goldust) vs. The Usos

The Usos vs. Little Gold Star

I’m expecting a good match out of this but there’s not much else to talk about. I’d like there to be more of a story other than constant six man tag matches. They need to get away from them quickly. No real reason for a title change. Would like to see whatever they’re doing with the Wyatts to show up here, or the Ascension. Soon, please.

Predictions: Little Gold Star

WWE Second Rate Women’s Championship
A.J. Lee (c) vs. Paige

A.J. Lee vs. Paige

Can we please have this be the first of their real matches? You know, the ones where they get the proper amount of time and it steals the show (well, to the best of its ability). If you give them time this could be the third best match on this show. Just saying. Paige wins unless that Survivor Series commercial where A.J. still has the belt WWE uploaded is a spoiler. Still wish this was a Cell match.

Prediction: Paige

Two out of Three Falls Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Cesaro

Dolph Ziggler vs. Cesaro

I wasn’t sure this match was going to happen when I read that they’d had a title match on Smackdown. Even less so when Dolph won. Then I read that the match is not only happening, but it’s two out of three falls. Got even more than my money’s worth. This match is going to be awesome and I don’t care who wins but I think Dolph will retain.

Prediction: Dolph Ziggler

Hell in a Cell #1 Contender’s Match
John Cena vs. Randy Orton
John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Hey, it’s this match again! WWE logic: Present fans with the choice of Cena vs. Rollins and Ambrose vs. Orton, or Ambrose vs. Rollins and Cena vs. Orton. The lesser of two evils is another Orton/Cena match. I don’t know how WWE can create these kinds of scenarios but they did it. The loser of a contract on a pole match gets Orton in a Cell match and it’s for the #1 Contendership. Makes perfect sense. Oh well, at least they didn’t go full retard and do Cena vs. Rollins. I almost expected a fatal 4 way too. Anyways, they actually got me somewhat interested Monday in all fairness – I do want an Orton/Lesnar match and while I’m not as hugely into Orton as I used to be, my Orton > Cena fan-ness came back full force Monday and I actually have a reason to root for Orton, so I will. And then when he loses it’s irrelevant. Let’s just hope it doesn’t close the show.

Prediction: John Cena

Hell in a Cell Match
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

This match is going to be awesome. And whether it closes the show or not, we know this is the main event anyway. But I have a feeling it will end the show – I have a feeling that we could see Orton somehow cost Rollins the match, or even Cena chase Rollins back to the ring after he somehow manages to get out of the Cell. I don’t know. Anyways, we have a match worthy of Hell in a Cell, guys. Tell me – after five years, how does it feel?

Prediction: Dean Ambrose

Overall, I expect the show to be good. Storylines could be better going in, but a lot of the matches should at least deliver. Cena being involved in the Ambrose/Rollins feud took away from the build of that feud too, so it may lose a little, but everyone’s been waiting for this match so it won’t take that much away.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #LunaticFringe #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers #AJIsTheBestDivaInTheWorld #PaigeIsTheBloodyDivasChampion