Night of Champions

Okay, it’s time for some predictions for WWE Night of Champions 2014. Or, what this will probably be, a complete ripping apart of this show. Outside of the Rollins vs. Ambrose match the night after SummerSlam, the show has been complete garbage week in and week out. NXT is my saving grace as a wrestling fan right now because everything else sucks. I’m going to Raw in two weeks and I kind of want to just sell the ticket. For one, it’s probably going to suck, and for two, I live in Chicago, I’m going to a show in Chicago, and I don’t want to be the only intelligent motherfucker sitting in a sea of morons still chanting C.M. Fucking Punk. And that’s coming from a huge C.M. Punk fan, as anyone who reads my pointless wrestling thoughts a moderate amount knows. Anyways, let’s just get into this.

Mark Henry vs. Rusev
Mark Henry vs. Rusev

Does anyone really care? When has anyone cared about Mark Henry? People don’t even really care about Rusev. I’m bored of the stupid Russia vs. U.S. storylines already. I predicted Rusev to win the U.S. Title on this show and instead he’s going to have a pointless win over Mark Henry.

Prediction: Rusev

Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton
Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton

I finally get the Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton PPV match I wanted in 2010, and would’ve gotten in 2012 had Jericho not been suspended for the Brazilian Flag of Doom incident, but it’s at a time where I barely care about Orton and Jericho’s leaving again immediately after so what is the purpose of the match? A good match? Er, a good but completely predictable match? That’s about it.

Prediction: Randy Orton

Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins

…….Sigh. There is no logic in this match. All of a sudden Ambrose is gone and Reigns suddenly cares about Rollins turning on him? LOL, no. Nobody cares about Roman Reigns anymore. Everyone knows he’s the next Cena and they’ve already stopped caring. HE NEEDS TO LOSE MATCHES. HE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO TALK. I DON’T WANT TO HATE HIM. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HATE HIM. I LOVED THE SHIELD. I DON’T WANT TO HATE ANYONE FROM IT. IT’S OKAY TO MAKE HIM THE NEXT TOP STAR BUT DO IT WHEN HE IS READY. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HE IS. And now he’s going to beat Rollins before Ambrose comes back which will make when Ambrose does it seem less important. Reigns is stealing Ambrose’s thunder. He’s swooping in and going to do what Ambrose has made his mission since June to do, with all of the struggle he had to go through just to get a match with him. Reigns didn’t care until three months later and will do it with ease. Hell, what am I talking about? HE ALREADY DID. HE BEAT ROLLINS ON MONDAY AND WHY? Why did that match happen? Why did it happen and why did Reigns win clean? Why is this happening again??????? It could be a good match, but who cares? More predictable shit. Maybe Rollins wins by some scheming means and Ambrose returns.

Prediction: Roman Reigns

WWE Second Rate Women’s Championship
Paige (c) vs. A.J. Lee vs. Nikki Bella

Paige vs. A.J. Lee vs. Nikki Bella


Why?……Why, WWE? Why do you ruin a decent women’s angle by injecting it with the Bella-Twins-AIDs^TM? Why? Fuck. This is fucking atrocious. None of it makes any sense. The Bellas have a feud with each other, put on some of the most god awful tv segments in the history of wrestling, then Nikki gets put into the AJ/Paige feud because people actually care about AJ and Paige? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? KEEP THE TRASH AWAY FROM THE ACTUAL WOMEN WRESTLERS. Let the kids stay away and have their meaningless Jerry Springer segments and let the women continue to have wrestling matches. Oh, and please give the amount of time allotted to the pathetic children to the women.

That being said, this feud is freaking disjointed. Yes Nikki is in this match, but her involvement in the feud is basically nonexistent. It’s really AJ vs. Paige with the commentators just constantly reminding people that Nikki Bella is in this match while Nikki has god awful segments with Brie. And, putting Nikki aside, the whole A.J. vs. Paige feud is getting fucking weird. They’re going random sexual tension route as if they’re randomly in love with each other. I understand they’re trying to go the Trish/Mickie route. I do. I don’t hate it. But, the problem is, they’re PG. IF YOU CAN’T GO ALL THE WAY WITH IT, DON’T EVEN GO THAT ROUTE AT ALL. I don’t want a half assed pieced of shit “Are they gonna fuck?” angle, either do it or don’t. No teasing it. It won’t work if you won’t do it. From what it sounds like, they actually want to go further with it. They normally build up some things for Chicago shows – are they trying to do some weird punishment for C.M. Punk leading to making A.J. make out with Paige in the ring in Chicago or something? Because it seems like it. Imagine that happening with all of the idiots still chanting C.M. Punk – that’d be fucking awkward now wouldn’t it? It’s already awkward enough that the fans can’t get the fuck over it and chant C.M. Punk at A.J. every time she’s out there – it’s like they’re trying to help her remember her own husbands name or something. I ASSURE YOU FANS SHE DOESN’T NEED YOUR HELP IN SCREAMING HER HUSBAND’S NAME. THERE I SAID IT. What, do these fans want to like, watch the two in bed together and chant C.M. Punk or something?!?!?!? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THESE FANS.

Okay, I’m done with the perverted commentary but it had to be done. Anyways, I see Paige retaining. I can see Nikki winning just for WWE to force feed us this garbage Bella feud over the title that neither just to make us think that we care and we don’t, but when I saw that they were doing this, I immediately thought that they just booked themselves into a corner on this PPV because they looked at all the matches they had to have on her and couldn’t afford two divas matches, so they shoved Nikki into this match just to keep the awful trash fresh in our minds, but Brie will probably cost Nikki the match otherwise this is completely stupid. Hopefully we move on to a AJ/Paige Submission match or even better, a Hell in a Cell match, at the next PPV and hopefully it’s not an AJ/Paige live sex celebration match which is the route they’re going. Keep that for people’s fanfics.

Including mine.

Prediction: Paige

WWE World Tag Team Championship
(c) The Usos (c) vs. Little Gold Star (Stardust and Goldust)

The Usos vs. Little Gold Star

Now, I’m sure this will be a great match, but does anyone think that after the Usos beat the Wyatts twice handily that they’re going to lose the titles to Little Gold Star? I mean, I’d love for that to happen, but it’s not. Please let the Ascension debut in Chicago.

Prediction: The Usos

WWE U.S. Championship
Sheamus (c) vs. Cesaro

Sheamus vs. Cesaro

I love Cesaro but why does anyone believe he has a chance to win this match when he’s been jobbing for months? HE WAS IN THE WORLD TITLE MATCH AT MITB AND NOW HE WANTS THE U.S. TITLE WHEN HE ALREADY HAD IT ONCE FOR A LONG TIME AND THEY FORGOT WHAT TO DO WITH HIM? This should be Cesaro vs. Dolph for the IC Title – that’d be an amazing match.

Prediction: Sheamus

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. The Miz

Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz

Dolph Ziggler is still the champion YAY! At least that’s one thing WWE has going for them. I was worried he’d lose the belt back the next night but he only lost via countout. But I don’t think he’s going to lose the title back anymore – I hear he may feud with Bray Wyatt over the title after this which would be sweet. (Bray isn’t on this show. Problem.) Granted, this is the best Miz has been since 2009, and I don’t hate what he’s doing with Sandow either. At least Sandow has something now and he’s doing it well. I want Sandow to get so into being Miz’s stunt double that he starts getting delusional and thinks that he is the Miz and they start to feud.

Prediction: Dolph Ziggler

WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena

The most boring rematches of all the rematches. Yes, we have to do this match and get it out of the way, I get it. All champions have rematch clauses unless you’re Randy Orton.

Scenario 1: John Cena gets destroyed again. You did the same thing two months in a row.
Scenario 2: An actual competitive match. That takes away from the beatdown at SummerSlam.
Scenario 3: Cena wins. LOL, No.

Let’s just get this over with. And don’t let Big Show be the next contender.

Prediction: Brock Lesnar

Alright, there’s all the predictions and whatnot. Some of the matches could be good, yes, but I have no reason to care about any of this. I CARE SO LITTLE ABOUT THIS THAT I’M VERY LIKELY NOT GOING TO BE WATCHING THIS LIVE. THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED WAS WRESTLEMANIA 26. But that was because I was able to go to the Blackhawks game that night, and I can’t pass that up. But let me assure you, making that decision caused me much anxiety because I was going to have to wait until the next day to watch WrestleMania. This, on the other hand, I have the ability to come home from what I’m going to be doing at 7 to watch, but I AM NOT GOING TO. WAKE UP, WWE. MAKE ME WANT TO WATCH YOUR SHOW SO MUCH THAT I HAVE TO SEE IT LIVE. NXT Takeover did that, it can’t be that hard. Start trying.

Review will be Sunday but it’ll be late.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers #IsItOctoberYet?