Well, WrestleMania 30 is finally only a couple of days away – and while it has been an unnecessarily rough road getting here, it looks like it’s at least going to be a good show. It won’t necessarily be amazing – it’s not going to be your next WrestleMania 17 or or WrestleMania 19 – not even close. But if it’s not the best WrestleMania since at least 26, potentially even 24, I’d be surprised. It’s already better than 27, and it hasn’t even happened yet. 28 was a two match show (Punk/Jericho, HIAC), and 29 was basically just Punk/Undertaker, and even THAT wasn’t amazing. 25 and 26 are both weird to rate, considering there’s some great matches on them, but there’s also complete crap on both. 24 is the last one that I believe was, outside of a terrible Batista/Umaga match, and a 9 second squash, was great.

Obviously this show isn’t perfect – it’s not close to any of the fantasy cards I’ve seen/heard floating around the internet, or created by myself. But for what it is, there’s only a few complaints that I have, but I’ll be sure to get to them as we go along.

The first match is the preshow match, which since it’s WrestleMania, I will actually talk about it. (And it shouldn’t be on the preshow anyway.) The Usos will defend their WWE World Tag Team Championship in a Fatal 4-Way against the Real Americans (Cesaro and Jack Swagger), Los Matadores, and Ryback and Curtis Axel. First, is the fact that two of the teams got this title shot because they helped Corporate Kane beat down the Shield a few weeks ago even make sense? I mean, the Shield isn’t even part of this match – “You helped me beat up these guys, so you can have a match with these guys for the titles!” Yay, logic. Anyways, the Real Americans beat the Usos the Raw before and since in today’s world, beating the champions once gets you a title shot, here we are. That aside, I’d much prefer this just be a match between the Usos and the Real Americans, because Ryback + Curtis Axel (Or Rybaxel if you have to use their dumb name) are boring trolls. Here’s a hint – the Curtis Axel experiment is over, and Ryback sure wishes it was the end of 2012 again. ALSO, why are Los Matadores (#ItsJustABullInACostume!) even in this?? They didn’t do anything at all. And the fact that their seemingly only way to win a match now is what the only way the Bella Twins can win a match is, they’ve got a problem. Usos will retain, maybe the Real Americans, but I doubt it. (Also, WHY IS CESARO ON THE PRESHOW DAMNIT!!)

Now on to the real card. Celebrate. (That wasn’t actually supposed to be a reference to the show’s theme song, but it’s there anyway.) Now that I think of it, WHY DOES WWE THINK KID ROCK IS STILL RELEVANT?? HE WASN’T EVEN RELEVANT WHEN HE PERFORMED AT WM25! (Contrary to the dvd, that ten minute performance did happen.) Anyways, I’m trying to think what the order of the matches will be, but I honestly don’t know. SO we will start with the battle royal.

So, the “Andre the Giant Memorial” Battle Royal will have 30 participants. (Because I’m helpful: Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. vs. Titus O’Neill vs. Darren Young vs. Sheamus vs. Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Mark Henry vs. The Miz vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Zack Ryder vs. Christian vs. The Great Khali vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust vs. Fandango vs. Damien Sandow vs. R-Truth vs. Santino Marella vs. Brodus Clay vs. ? vs. ?? vs. ??? vs. ????) is what my card post thing lists. This is also known as EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE A MATCH. I guess one of the question marks is Brad Maddox, but I don’t know why the Raw GM who doesn’t wrestle is in it. Here’s some thoughts on this match:

1) Cody Rhodes and Goldust have done too much good work since Goldust has returned to be stuck in a battle royal they aren’t going to win. At the very least, they should be in the tag team title match, or they should be doing what everyone expected them to be doing, and what they themselves have been pushing for years, the proverbial brother vs. brother at WrestleMania match.

2) Dolph Ziggler, as much as I’d love for him to win this and get him back to a place of relevance as opposed to being constantly buried because he had the gall to say in an interview that he wouldn’t cower in fear if Randy Orton showed up behind him in a dark alley such that he lost basically every match he’s had since August; I’d much rather he have had a match on the card, perhaps against Alberto Del Rio, because their third match for the title at SummerSlam never happened. Granted it would no longer be for a title, but it would’ve still been a good thing for Dolph to beat the guy he should’ve done months ago.

3) Everyone else in this match is fine. I’m wondering who the unnamed people will be. I hope we get some people from NXT like Sami Zayn, Adam Rose, and Corey Graves. But I doubt it. The winner is going to be a heel – as always they’re pushing Big Show as the obvious favorite considering he’s tall and big and thus un-throw-outable, but then he’s going to lose anyway. My pick is Alexander Rusev considering he hasn’t done anything yet besides stand on a table.

The next CLUSTERFUCK OF DOOM^TM match is the “14 Way Dance” for the WWE Second Rate Women’s Championship, with A.J. defending against every random chick on the roster. (Again, because I’m helpful: A.J. Lee (c) vs. Tamina Snuka vs. Natalya vs. Summer Rae vs. Emma vs. Naomi vs. Layla vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Cameron vs. Aksana vs. Alicia Fox vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Eva Marie) Thoughts:

1) Why? Just, WHY????

2) Let it be known that Eva Marie is going to have a match on WrestleMania and Cesaro still will not have. Let that one sink in.

3) I’m glad that A.J. at least gets to have a match, but it should’ve been a one on one match (or maybe a triple threat). A one on one match against Natalya would’ve been best (probably), or Naomi (if she can figure out that hitting someone with your ass is not a finisher), or Tamina. Actually the best option was Emma, but she hasn’t done nearly enough to get a title shot. Better question, WHY CAN’T THIS BE AJ VS LITA? AJ VS PAIGE? (I just gave you two better matches you could’ve done, but no, we need a CLUSTERFUCK OF DOOM^TM match.) Consider the following for every good/great diva in this, there’s a terrible one to balance it out.

4) If all of them have entrances, do they even have a song for Rosa Mendes, because I’m fairly certain that everyone’s forgotten she exists. Even Rosa Mendes has forgotten.

5) The dumbest part of this match? It’s one fall. 14 chicks in the ring at once. First pinfall wins.

6) As far as the winner goes, I’m not sure. The fact that the entire divas division is now based off a stupid reality tv show that NO ONE WATCHES, and thus only the chicks on that show get any real tv time (which isn’t even a lot), coupled with the fact that A.J. – well, I was going to say dating, but apparently is now engaged to – C.M. Punk, and WWE likes to be butthurt that Punk left, so they just want to punish her for being associated with him, makes it hard to feel like A.J. has a chance of retaining. That being said, there is a chance, because a lot of times when it seems like a heel has no chance, they tend to win. At this point, A.J.’s had the Divas Title for longer than anyone else has held that belt combined, and she’s done enough for the title that I’ve bumped it up from the Third Rate Women’s Title back to the Second Rate (hasn’t been there since at least 2010. It was Third Rate, Third and a Half Rate, and Fourth Rate in recent memory), and she’s the only diva to be relevant since Mickie James was released in….2009? I just fear where she goes from there if she loses the belt – she’ll probably fall into obscurity and the divas division will implode worse than it already has. If the divas division is just going to be focused around a completely unrelated, irrelevant reality show, they may as well just scrap the division altogether. If A.J. has to lose, please give the belt to, um….uh…Emma. Give the belt to Emma. I would say Natalya, but if she blocks people on Twitter for being a fan of her opponent, then she can go to hell. Emma or Tamina. Give it to a Bella and you die. Or Eva Marie.

Anyways, now that those are over, on to more real matches.

Well, the only other non-main event is The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns #BelieveInTheShield!) against Corporate Kane and the New Age Outlaws, also known as Team Old People From the Attitude Era WWE Is Trying to Hide Behind Because Fuck Everything. In the real world, The Shield would kill these guys in like, five minutes. The Shield deserves way better than these old guys for opponents. The Shield vs. The Wyatts would’ve still been a MUCH better idea. Or, as much as I DON’T want the Shield to break up, all three of them facing each other would’ve been a way better match. The Shield is still awesome as faces, which is good, and I’m excited to see their entrance at WM. I’m sure it will be just as awesome as last year’s. I’m so happy they’re not splitting up, even though it probably would’ve been a better match if they faced each other, and WWE might be able to use the boost of using all three of them separately on shows as opposed to all at once (so there’s more good spread throughout the show.) (Also, maybe I’m the only one, but I’m disappointed that they didn’t beat the shit out of Jerry Lawler. I would’ve at the very least had given him a powerbomb anyway.) All three of them are so awesome, but I’m struggling to figure out which between Ambrose and Rollins is the best member of the Shield. Anyways, the Shield’s going to win, although it won’t be as quick as it probably should be. Again, I wish they had better opponents – I’d heard before it was Kane and the Outlaws that it was going to be Kane and the Ascension, which had literally gotten me excited, then it wasn’t them so it kind of sucked. (But hey, at least it’s not the Mean Street Posse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=248-E9AEMCg)

And now, for the four main matches of the show.

The first of which is Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar. Yes, haven’t seen this one before – totally didn’t see them in two fall programs in 2002 and 2003. Undertaker’s never beaten Brock – has that come up in the feud? *Dean Ambrose Style Nope!* There’s pretty much NO build to this, what build there is, is Undertaker kicking Brock’s ass. Brock got chokeslammed through a table after being stabbed with a pen, and got tossed from the ring a different time. Brock has gotten one F-5 in this past Monday. You see, with an Undertaker match at WrestleMania, there are very few people who seem like a legitimate threat to it. The only one right now that’s left is John Cena. In the case that the person doesn’t seem like a threat, in the build to the match, you need to MAKE him seem like a threat. WWE hasn’t built a legitimate challenger to the streak since Edge. HBK and HHH had decent builds for their second matches against Taker, but their first matches, not so much. Last year, the Punk vs. Taker build, while better than the build for Taker/Lesnar, was beyond weak. Just because Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar doesn’t mean that makes him a threat – he looked like a bitch ass up until this Monday. He’s a part timer. He’s not winning. If anyone’s ever going to break the streak, it’s got to be a young guy – Bray Wyatt or Dean Ambrose are my optimal choices right now. Obviously this can’t happen for a few years, though. I’m leaning more towards Wyatt because he’s the closest to an Undertaker style character in the modern era WWE has had. Anyways, the match should still be good, but there’s no reason to believe that Undertaker will lose.

Next is Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena. What’s that? A Match involving John Cena that I’m actually looking forward to?? IMPOSSIBLE! It’s amazing how you put John Cena in the midcard at WrestleMania and I’m suddenly not uninterested. This is the first time Cena’s been in a non-title, non-main event match (Read: Not the last match) at WrestleMania since – well, ever. (His first WM Match isn’t for a world title but it’s still for a title.) The build for this match has been really good once Cena learned to BE FUCKING SERIOUS. When Cena isn’t burying all of his opponents and making them look like a joke, he can at least be tolerable. I’m just thankful he didn’t say something about Husky Harris because that would’ve been ridiculous. I wish I had a playlist of all the Bray Wyatt promos leading to this, but I don’t feel like going through youtube to find them. If you told me three years ago that Husky Harris was capable of turning into Bray Wyatt, I would’ve called you a moron. I’m hoping this match turns out to be good – Cena is capable of having good matches (Punk, Bryan, Edge, Jericho, HBK), but it’s because of the guys he was facing. Wyatt’s bigger and more unorthodox than those mentioned, but I think that this will still be good. As far as who wins goes – I’m honestly not sure. There’s no question that Wyatt SHOULD win – a loss to anyone would NEVER hurt John Cena, and a win against John Cena would do A LOT for Bray Wyatt. They’ve been building Wyatt up well, with the wins over Daniel Bryan, the Wyatts defeating the Shield, and a win over Cena would solidify him as, well, not necessarily a top guy, would it would go a long way. I will never count Cena out, because there’s always the Cena factor, but I think Wyatt will win. Also I’m excited to see Wyatt’s entrance because his theme is rumored to be getting played live, and it will be awesome. #FollowTheBuzzards #WalkWithTheReapers

And the final two matches have kind of got to be talked about together, considering the winner of one will get into the title match. The first match is Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H, and the winner of that will be placed into the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match with Randy Orton and Batista. Finally, build to the WrestleMania main event that actually makes sense! Or, at least, some. Obviously the road to Daniel Bryan winning the WWE Title at WrestleMania is has been a lot tougher than it needed to be. He should’ve simply won the Rumble and then the title. But, since WWE is DUMB, they allowed Batista to come back to WWE to THUNDEROUS SILENCE, and win the Rumble, and had Bryan lose in the chamber. Also in this, WWE basically made C.M. Punk walk out, because of that kind of bullshit, and not being happy with his own direction. Instead of C.M. Punk vs. Triple H, they decided Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H was a good idea because Triple H can’t just stop. Oh well, Bryan vs. Triple H makes perfect sense anyway. The feud has been basically happening since August – when was the last time we went into Mania with a feud that’s been building for THAT long? Um…Uh….(Don’t give me Rock/Cena, that doesn’t count.) I don’t have an answer. Bryan vs. HHH should be great – for the most part, it’s pretty obvious that Bryan will win and get into the main event – it’s still kind of predictable this year, but it’s predictable in a good way. That said, it’s not impossible Triple H will win, but then they’re main event would be heel vs. heel vs. heel and thus completely stupid. As far as the title match itself is concerned – well, Orton sure isn’t winning. I’ll give Batista a chance to win just because Marvel could’ve paid WWE to make him win the Rumble and the title at WM to promote his stupid movie. But considering WWE was smart enough to change their main event from Batista vs. Randy Orton (which would’ve BOMBED TERRIBLY. Think Orton vs. Cena Royal Rumble match only with 70,000 fans and not 20,000). Part of me wanted to see that just to see the crowd reaction. Oh well. Bryan’s going to win this – if they were just going to have him in the match to have him lose again, then what’s the point of the entire past eight months?? It’s time WWE puts the title on the person who has gotten the loudest crowd reactions this side of Stone Cold (as well as C.M. Punk). There’s also a possibility that Triple H is part of the title match but Bryan will win the belt regardless.

Also, Hulk Hogan is the guest host of WM. He hasn’t taken up too much time on Raw and hasn’t bothered me, so his existence isn’t a problem.

Well, that’s about it for the predictions. It should be a good show. I fully expect it to be the best one since 26, maybe 24. Without completely changing the card, the only things that would make this better would be to A) Still have a C.M. Punk, B) Have the Shield face each other (or better opponents), C) Have Cody Rhodes and Goldust face each other, D) Have A.J. have a normal match with one of the divas I mentioned, and E), Have Dolph vs. Del Rio maybe. Review on Sunday as always.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers