Well, I suppose I’m going to post about Raw, regardless of how tired I am. I can’t really think right now, so hopefully this turns out ok.

Okay, first, I have a contest for anyone who reads this. I have a jar filled with every single C.M. Punk chant that occurred last night on Raw, and I want you to guess how many chants the jar contains. Closest to the correct number wins a hypothetical high five. (Hint: They chanted it all night.)

The show started with the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VMQYf0o_Ss

Yes, Paul Heyman comes out to C.M. Punk’s music. Everyone naturally went batshit  crazy when they heard Cult of Personality. I wonder how many were smart enough to realize, like I was, that if Punk was going to show, it would certainly be the end of the show, and not the beginning. It was obvious it was going to be someone trolling at the beginning. (That said, actually acknowledging Punk’s existence for the first time in a month promises that C.M. Punk is actually there, and he wasn’t. So, someone fucked up.)

That said, if anyone was going to troll the audience, Paul Heyman was the perfect person to do it. Bad News Barrett could’ve done it, but he’d never be able to work in Chicago again. It had to be someone who’s actually close to Punk that can do it. And his promo was really good – he talked about Punk, but then brought it back to his current program of Lesnar vs. Taker.

Does anyone care about Lesnar vs. Taker? I don’t. Seen it.

Anyways, Lesnar comes out, and eventually Mark Henry comes to attack him for seemingly no reason, but ends up getting F-5’ed through the announce table.

Side note: When Lesnar took apart the announce table, he threw the monitors clear over the ring, and one of them bounced off the ground and flew into the fans sitting by the ramp. I guess someone is getting a free ticket to Payback.

Next, the Usos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouecijUZlf8) faced the New Age Outlaws for the WWE World Tag Team Championship.

And, well, THEY FINALLY WON THE TITLES! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLTG4Cdv2aY

It’s about damn time. Now people are pissed that they didn’t wait until WrestleMania, naturally, but I got to see them win it so ha.

Next, Cesaro (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvi6WzLgViM) faced Big E. in a rematch from last week. And outside of the following Cesaro Swing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr4aWx8We9k), it wasn’t much of a match outside of it as Swagger gets into the ring and attacks Big E, pissing Cesaro off, who ends up getting a Big Ending for shits and giggles.

Next was The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family Round 2.

The Shield: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9w1Q-FvUaI

Side Note: You can see the blonde bimbo sitting in front of me in this video. She’s a fucking tard. She didn’t even sit down properly the entire fucking night. She sat on the top of the chair without pushing the seat down, so her fucking retarded hairdo was in my face the entire night as she drank and cheered for all the big muscle-y guys she wanted to get fucked by like the slutty whore that she clearly is. Someone shoot her, please. Every time she got up, I tried to get an I can see chant going, and when she sat down I chanted I can’t see or No!

On another note, while I was chanting C.M. Punk much like everyone else, I was only doing it during appropriate times, whereas the crowd did it during most of the show, which pissed me off. I was screaming at people to shut up and be respectful of those that deserved it. There are, in fact, other people in the company besides Punk. Shield vs. Wyatts is one example, the Usos are another, and so on.

You can also notice that they set the announce table back up which was freaking weird, because that never happens. Clearly people needed it in this match.

The Wyatt Family: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSde0p8tc2M

This is Awesome!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dAfMqdBOsM

Sister Abigail: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9SGdYGvBAw

The match was awesome, obviously. Not as good as their first match, of course, but it was still freaking awesome. Rollins tried to land on his feet from a Super German Suplex but he fell this time – sadness. Regardless, the important thing is that Rollins eventually left Ambrose and Reigns to fend for themselves, which made them lose.

Side Note: At some point, some people started throwing a beach ball around the crowd, which was amusing. Still nothing quite as ridiculous crowd-member-wise, though, as the one chick at the first Smackdown I ever went to in December 2001 that kept getting up during commercial breaks and flashing people. (Don’t they kick people out?) You know what, that’s probably the same chick that was sitting in front of me last night.

Next was Fandango and Summer Rae against Santino and Emma.

Emma’s Entrance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn47n9aCE1w (Sorry for shakiness, had to do Emma’s dance.)

It was fun, at least when Emma and Summer Rae were wrestling. I mean, Santino’s fucking useless as always and it’s stupid that Emma’s stuck with this tard.

Next was Sheamus vs. Christian in a decent match the crowd gave zero shits about. This was when the crowd started getting bad, and it was annoying me because the match was actually not bad, outside of its predictability.

Next, the Bella Twins for some reason had a match against Alicia Fox and Aksana. No one gave a shit. The only thing noteworthy was the people around me started a “Nikki’s Boob Job” chant. Nikki won with her finisher, strangely named the “Nikki Rack Attack” (Which is code for Nikki named her finisher after her boob job.)

Next Daniel Bryan (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haJy_DgtpGU) came out and cut a promo, and used the words “Hijack Raw” which immediately made that whole Twitter thing uncool because WWE stole it and used it. (Botch) He sits in the ring and waited for either Batista or the Authority to show up, and the Authority did. I can’t really tell you what the Authority had to say because they got booed out of the building so badly you couldn’t hear them for the entirety of the segment. Fans expecting C.M. Punk were let down, why I don’t know, because it wasn’t the end of the show.

At some point they showed the Wrigley Field sign that read “Go Blackhawks” which caused me to yell at anyone who started chanting “Let’s Go Blackhawks” and calling them bandwagoners because any real hockey fan knows it’s “Let’s Go Hawks.”

Also they aired a preview for the Scooby Doo WWE movie they’re doing and a Scooby Doo chant started.

Next was Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZLghIS_YuA), who came out with random guest host Aaron Paul, who was on everyone without a brain’s favorite show Breaking Bad. I instead chanted David Bolland at him because he looks like David Bolland, and he wishes he had half as much talent. I also chanted Breaking Bad sucks because it does. Warehouse 13 > all. If you want a guest host I’ll care about, get Scags.

That said, this was probably the best use of a guest host they’ve had, because everyone wanted Ziggler because everyone loves Ziggler. Even those who hate Ziggler love Ziggler, they just are too dumb to realize it. And Dolph won!

(It was clear that everyone the internet liked was going to win tonight.)

Paul Bearer was announced as being put into the Hall of Fame this year.

Big E was going to have a match with Jack Swagger but Cesaro hit him with a Neutralizer immediately so Swagger got DQ’ed. Cesaro and Swagger shove each other and Cesaro goes to swing Swagger but Colter stops him and they hug it out.

John Cena shows up to his usual amounts of boos from Chicago, outside of from the kids next to me and the slutty whore in front of me. He panders to the crowd like the douche that he is, gets a Yes chant when he says he won’t be in a match from the fake injury he has. He panders about Punk, and then he pulls some of the bullshit not passing the torch promos he’s been doing lately, and then Bray Wyatt appeared on the screen and cut a promo I wish I could’ve heard, but the crowd was being douchebags and chanting for Punk and listening to the promo like they should’ve been.

Before the main event, Alexander Rusev showed up and posed to no reaction.

The main event was Batista vs. Daniel Bryan which started at 10:01, and didn’t last much longer than eight minutes because Batista is in such terrible shape that he’s tired by the time he gets to the ring. Orton attacks Bryan midway through, sometime after the Authority shows up. Triple H gets in the ring and starts saying he’s sick of Bryan’s fantasy something and gets kicked in the head, leading to Batista coming in and powerbombing Bryan before Triple H Pedigrees him to end the show, while fans chant for Punk and Punk doesn’t come.

The boring post-Raw stuff saw Big Show, Cena, and Bryan hit their finishers on Orton, but no one cared because Punk didn’t show.

The show was probably the best Raw I’ve gone to that I can remember, just no one cares because Punk didn’t show.

The ironic note is that every fan that said they were going to riot if Punk didn’t show instead immediately crowded the box office to buy tickets for Payback in June, as is tradition.

Anyways, that’s all.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers