Well, it’s time to put up some quick Elimination Chamber predictions. Normally I try to wait until after the last Smackdown, but it’s just easier to get this done now – it’s basically a two match show and I’ve got Olympic hockey to watch in the mornings, so it’s best to do it earlier, when the semifinals haven’t happened yet. (That said, go whoever wins between US and Canada! I root for Blackhawks, not countries. Ideally US/Canada would’ve been the gold medal game again but unfortunately one of them will be stuck with bronze. I also have to wake up at 6 AM Sunday for the gold medal game, so having that, a birthday lunch, and a PPV the same day’s going to be GREAT, especially since I’ll have been waking up early the three days prior, and the day after I’ll have to do the same.)

That said, again, this is just a two match show. And even those matches, despite the fact that they’ll be good to awesome, are both predictable.

First, in a match that no one in the world cares about, is the stereotypical match between two former tag team partners, Darren Young and Titus O’Neill. Now, this would normally be an okay storyline. Unfortunately, WWE is doing it with a tag team that no one cared about filled with talentless people. Well, Young is okay. O’Neill is god awful and should be fired promptly. He has no wrestling talent and is terrible to listen to speak. And the seal barking thing can just stop. The only thing this match is good for is knowing that I can finally say that the Prime Time Players are no longer a thing. Titus O’Neill to win because he’s a big, talentless guy, because Vince loves his big, talentless guys.

Should I mention the pointless preshow match between the Rhodes Brothers vs. Rybaxel? Well, I mentioned it.

Batista will squash Alberto Del Rio in a boring match no one will care about.

The New Age Outlaws will defend the WWE World Tag Team Championship against the Usos, because Elimination Chamber is apparently WrestleMania. The match should be ok – I’m bored of the Outlaws now so they’re a waste of space. Put the belts on the Usos already. I don’t think it happens here though.

Big E will retain his Intercontinental Championship against Jack Swagger, so, there’s that.

Moving on to the matches we actually care about.

First, I will talk about the Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Obviously this is going to main event, but it’s getting second fiddle because it’s not the match that everyone’s looking forward to on this show. (That’s right, an Elimination Chamber match is playing second fiddle to a normal match.) I’m just going to list off the people and give some thoughts on their chances of winning:

Sheamus: Sheamus hasn’t angered me much since his return, which is a surprise. He’s been ok. We’ll see how long it lasts. That said, he’s not going to win the chamber. In fact, when the WM30 plans were still Bryan vs. Sheamus, I had figured that Bryan would eliminate Sheamus, but Sheamus, enraged, would Brogue Kick Bryan, turning heel and costing him the match. That has since changed with all the turmoil C.M. Punk leaving has caused (assuming still it’s legit). (You see how much trouble your best person leaving did, WWE? LOL.) Now I don’t even know what Sheamus does at WM30 at all. Ryback maybe? They had a decent match on Smackdown a few weeks ago.

Cesaro: Now, I know Cesaro will not win this match, but he is the one I’m most looking forward to seeing in it this year. His defeat of Randy Orton (the champion) last week and his almost (“Should have”) win over John Cena on Monday were epic, and they’ve done more for his career probably than almost anything so far, outside of him carrying Swagger. (He’s made Swagger watchable, not even Dolph could do that. Startling realization is starling.) Granted, he didn’t beat Cena, and while I understand why he didn’t, he still kind of should have. He beats the champion but loses to Cena, so that kind of knocks him right back, whether he looked good or not. He did kind of need legitimizing, though, which is what the win over Orton did – I only say that because, outside of being extremely talented, in terms of accomplishments in WWE, he’s had one U.S. title run which almost feels like it was forever ago now.

Christian: Christian honestly seems out of place in this match. He’s just kind of there. He returned and won a match to get in, but he’s just there. He’s not going to win. He’s so filler WWE labeled him as replaceable, considering they were considering having someone take him out and taking his spot if they thought of someone better. Christian says we are going to see the “most dangerous Christian we’ve ever seen before,” which leads me to believe he’s going to come out and spew some rhetoric about how evolution doesn’t exist and how people in Arizona are now legally allowed to discriminate against gays and lesbians because not allowing them to would be discriminating against their ability to discriminate against gays and lesbians in practicing their religion.

Arizona’s a fucked up place, guys. Don’t go there, they don’t deserve to have a population.

John Cena: Is it possible that this is the first time I can say that Cena’s definitely going to lose? I think it is. So, whatever. I won’t say his chances are absolute zero, but I doubt it. The reports are saying that the Wyatts will cost him the match which was like “No Shit!!” when I read it. It’s pretty obvious that will happen.

Daniel Bryan: As much as everyone wants Daniel Bryan to win, myself included, we’re all just going to have to live with the fact that it’s not going to happen. It just isn’t. WWE is too hell bent on doing whatever the fuck it is that they want that whatever the fans actually want is irrelevant. And let’s be honest, Bryan winning the title at Elimination Chamber makes even less sense than him NOT winning the Royal Rumble. I was going to say that Kane costs him the match, but if the Wyatts are going to cost Cena, I’m not sure they’d want to run two of the same angle in the same match. It may just be the shoulder injury that Kane gave him on Raw costs him it.

Randy Orton: Orton’s going to retain the belt. I see no reason to believe otherwise. We can hope that Bryan gets thrown into the main event somehow, but it’s not going to be by winning the belt here. I think we’ll know by the end of March 3rd’s Raw in Chicago where exactly WWE is going to for for WM30, because that’s probably when they’ll need to have everything completely finalized. (March 3 would represent the same Raw from 2013 where Punk faced Cena for the #1 Contender spot at WM29 before Rock/Cena was completely set in stone.)

I say March 3rd because there’s still a little part of me that’s going to expect C.M. Punk to come out at the end after there are tons of C.M. Punk chants all damn night and it’ll all have been a work. And if and when it doesn’t, we’ll all look like idiots, but that’s ok. I think we’d know immediately too whether that would happen, because I feel like the final segment would have to have Daniel Bryan and Triple H arguing in the ring about him being in the title match or something like it – if it’s just said there will be a match, then that would answer that.

Anyways, the final match is the Shield vs. the Wyatt Family, in what will most definitely be the match of the night. In fact I wish it would main event, because this is what everyone’s buying the show for anyway. The only problem with the match is that it’s kind of obvious the Wyatts will win, but oh well. I would’ve liked it a little more if it was completely unpredictable, because as much as I love the Wyatts (#FollowTheBuzzards #WalkWithTheReapers) too, I’m still pulling for the Shield. (#BELIEVEINTHESHIELD) What would make this even better is in the beginning, it just breaks down into a DQ, then Triple H comes out and forces them to have the match in the Chamber itself, because this is the kind of thing the Elimination Chamber was built for. If ever there was a more appropriate time to have a 3 vs. 3 Chamber match from the video games, this is it. My argument for why it isn’t happening is because that would require Roman Reigns to take a pinfall, and Vince probably wouldn’t be happy with that. (As awesome as Reigns is, he’s still going to get preferential treatment over Ambrose and Rollins after they’re done, which is bullshit. Ambrose and Rollins are both superior, but because they aren’t big guys they won’t get to the top nearly as quickly.) But anyways, this match is going to be epic. This is, in fact, the proper example of WWE giving fans what they want. It’s pretty simple, actually – WWE made us want the Shield vs. Wyatts, and now they’re giving us Shield vs. Wyatts. Simple, right? The build has been great, and I can’t wait for it. In fact, I’m such a nice guy that I’ve got all of their interactions apart from the stuff in the Rumble right here on this playlist:

Anyways, that’s all for my predictions. Review as always on Sunday. A very tired one, probably.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers