WARNING: May contain rants.


I wish you could see my face right now. This is one of those times I kind of want to make video reviews on Youtube, but I’m not one of those guys – mainly because I express myself better through typing than words when put on the spot – but words can’t always express a reaction well enough.

Does fuck everything suffice? #SmarkRAGE

I just don’t understand, really. That’s all it actually amounts to. I just don’t understand.

Preshow match was alright. Rhodes brothers losts the titles to the Outlaws – I could be angry about an attitude era team winning the belts in 2014, but the Rhodes brothers needed to lose the titles soon in order to have a feud going into WM30, so whatever.

The opening match was Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt as expected. And it was amazing. Some of the spots in this match were insane, and they all built up in intensity. Bray Wyatt was a lucky winner at some point I think, as he got sent into the ring steps. The splash Bryan took from Bray on the outside was wicked. Bryan took an arm wrench into the apron. The curb stomp that Bryan did was nasty looking. Bray got sent over the barricade after taking a tornado DDT on the outside. But the suicide dive Bryan did only to get caught into a Sister Abigail into the barricade was fucking insane. My god. And then he hit another one for the win. Sure it was slow at times, but it’s probably the best match I’ve seen in a short while, and easily Bray’s best match so far.

Rating: ****

We are now entering the Royal Rumble 2003 portion of tonight’s show:

Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show wasn’t really so much a match as it was Lesnar destroying Big Show with a chair. From what I heard, Show suffered an injury to his right hand at a house show the night previously, so that probably changed how this match went drastically. On a side note, we finally discovered the cure for cancer – just break Big Show’s hand. Anyways, after maybe ten chair shots, the actual match began, and Brock takes a KO punch but rolls out of the ring. He gets back in, and more or less F-5’s Big Show for the win in less than a minute. Brock then hits Big Show with a chair about 30 more times before leaving. As a match it’s obviously a dud, but seeing Big Show getting what he deserves is acceptable.

Rating: Dud


Randy Orton defended C.M. Punk’s, Dolph Ziggler’s, and Daniel Bryan’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a boring match the entire crowd didn’t give a single fuck about, as they booed throughout the entire match. Both of them got chants such as “You suck” “Let’s go Cena Sucks” “We want Angle” “Y2J” “Daniel Bryan” “You both suck” “Boring” and “Randy Savage” among others. I’m also fairly certain I head a “We want Divas” chant which can mean nothing good. Welcome to what WM30’s main event will be. Anyways, the match was boring until it became comical at best, when Cena and Orton apparently fancied their rivalry akin to that of Rock and Austin where Rock and Austin would constantly hit each other with each other’s finishing maneuvers, so no doubt Orton hit an FU and an STFU, and Cena hit an RKO (Although since RKO is Orton’s initials, it can’t really be called RKO, it’d have to be JFC for John Felix Cena, or as I would call it, a Jesus Fucking Christ), and they kicked out of all of them as per usual. Somewhere near the beginning of the match I predicted the Wyatts to interfere, so when they did it was no surprise, causing Cena to turn into another RKO for the loss. And then a Wyatt beatdown ensued.

Rating: **

And finally, the Royal Rumble Match itself. As usual I will just list off some parts of this match:

1) First four people were C.M. Punk, Seth Rollins, Damien Sandow, and Cody Rhodes, so that was good to start. Sandow didn’t last long though.

2) It wasn’t hard to predict that Punk would last until the final four, nor that the Shield would all be in the match together at some point

3) Alexander Rusev made his WWE debut from NXT, and showed to me exactly why I skip his matches on NXT – there was nothing of interest to note.

4) Kofi Kingston had the obligatory ridiculous save for the third year in a row. In fact, he had two. First he got knocked off the rope and Rusev caught him, only to lay him onto the barricade and punch him a couple times because, well, who knows. So Kofi ran and jumped to the apron. Unimpressed. Then he held his feet against the bottom rope as he hung off the ring and pulled off Swagger’s shoe, before hitting Swagger in the head with his own boot – if there’s any poetic justice, Swagger will get a concussion from his own boot for giving one to Ziggler with it.

5) Dolph Ziggler is clear to wrestle after his second concussion as he was in the match!

6) Sheamus returned to an earth shattering amount of silence.

7) El Torito happened. Watching a tiny bull in a costume try to beat up Punk was amusing.

8) Kane showed up earlier than I expected. He got eliminated quickly but he still eliminated Punk in the end which doesn’t surprise me.

9) Kevin Nash showed up and didn’t do much. I was hoping Punk would eliminate him so he’d shut up and stop pretending he didn’t get owned by Punk in 2011.

10) No Jericho which didn’t surprise me.

11) JBL was an entrant, got in, took off his jacket, gave it to Cole, and was eliminated immediately. Even though he did absolutely nothing, the crowd gives him “You still got it” chants.

12) It seemed painfully obvious that Batista would be #30 but he ended up being #28.

13) Crowd chanted for Daniel Bryan a lot, especially closer to the end. It became obvious that he wouldn’t be in the match to me around #25 when I thought of five people I knew were still in the match.

14) Once Rey Mysterio hit the ring at #30 the crowd booed for the rest of the entire match, except for some cheers for Punk or even Roman Reigns.

15) The bright spot of the match is that Roman Reigns broke Kane’s elimination record of 11 from the 2001 Royal Rumble. He’s a beast. Granted I gave the Khali elimination to the entire Shield, because it makes sense that the entire Shield would stop Khali from winning, because it’d be an injustice, and they are a Shield from it.

And then Batista won and no one cared.

Rating: ****

I really don’t understand. I’m not saying the show itself was bad, because I wouldn’t say that was the case. Bryan/Wyatt was amazing, the Brock/Show stuff was as good as it was going to get, Orton/Cena sucked but was at least comical due to the crowd and the stealing finishers, and the Rumble itself was fun for the most part. I can’t say the show sucked just because the winner itself was completely wrong, as much as I’d like to – you still have to be objective and fair.

Overall Rating: ***

With that being said, I just don’t understand. It’s clear to me that WWE gives zero fucks about what the fans want – it’s basically impossible to argue against now. You get Daniel Bryan, who’s getting Austin level pops from crowds – it’s not just the internet, guys, sorry – and then you get Orton, Cena, and Batista, who get mixed reactions on a good day. And reactions like they got tonight on a usual day. WWE could be making millions of dollars off of Daniel Bryan right now but they choose to have main events no one in the world cares about. You thought the crowd was bad during the title match and at the end of the Rumble tonight, WWE? Wait until WrestleMania when Batista vs. Orton main events, barring unforeseen and unlikely changes. You see what happens then.

I don’t get it – on one hand I heard WWE wants to have a big “Yes!” moment at WM30. But then they don’t have Bryan win the Rumble and win the title. If you want that big “Yes!” moment it’s that simple to pull off. It’s not rocket science. It’s not Algebra II if you’re in Texas.

It’s like WWE forgot what WrestleMania was about post-2010. I haven’t seen a good WM main event since 26. It’s not about stories building up over a year that will climax at the sport’s grandest stage – it’s about putting out completely random matches that make no sense and hoping people are still dumb enough to purchase the show. It’s obvious to me that the WWE Network is debuting before WrestleMania because they knew Batista winning the Rumble would piss everyone off, and that they wanted to ensure that they can pretend that WM30 broke tons of records, as I’m sure they will once everyone buys the network anyway, and they’ll use the amount of network purchases as a way to say “All of the people who bought the network watched the PPV” so records have been set!!! Otherwise they’d have done the smart thing, put out the card I mentioned in the predictions – that was a very simple, easy to do card, as well – and instead we’re going to get those six matches that were reported earlier this week.

Now, I won’t say those six matches, outside of Orton vs. Batista, look bad. If done right I guess the show could still be good. But no one’s really going to care like they could have if WWE would just learn to give the fans what they want. Shouldn’t giving the fans what they want be the obvious successful business strategy?

C.M. Punk vs. Triple H and Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena are probably the only two matches I’d really look forward to on that card, though. Punk/HHH is easy to set up, and Punk must win, and the feud can be good. Wyatt vs. Cena is fine with me, really – maybe it’s early for Wyatt to face Cena, but fuck, I don’t care. The feud could be good, I’m sure Wyatt can cut some great promos on Cena, and even if Wyatt loses which he probably would, I’m not sure I’d care that much. I don’t know what it is with Bray Wyatt, but he’s just so awesome that even he loses, it doesn’t really matter – as proven by him not even caring that Bryan turned on him.

Taker vs. Brock could be good I suppose, but I’m not sure I’d care. Taker would win. And I’ve seen this match plenty.

Orton vs. Batista will suck. And Bryan vs. Sheamus at WM a third time can fuck itself, especially after WM28. If it isn’t Bryan winning in less than 18 seconds it’d have no purpose.

There was a sixth match reported but I can’t even think of it. So, granted, I suppose the card looks like it could be the best WM since 26, but it won’t be special, and no one will really care. We can only hope they do something to change it.

There. I think I handled that rather calmly, actually. You should all be proud of me.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #IAmTheEaterOfWorlds #WalkWithTheReapers