Ok, I’m here with some predictions for Survivor Series 2013. Well, it happened. In the past four weeks, the storylines have all gone back to shit. Daniel Bryan is out of the title picture for now, Big Show is inexplicably in it, and quite frankly, no one gives a damn about Cena/Del Rio again.

The preshow match is The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston, because The Miz decided he was a heel again. And I proceeded to not care, still. Miz should win so Kofi will.

Anyways, I guess we should get this divas survivor series match out of the way. It’s the “Real” divas (although there are only four “real divas” on this team of seven – “Real Diva” is defined as “Diva that can wrestle”). A.J. Kaitlyn, Tamina, and Summer Rae. And then there’s the useless Alicia Fox, Aksana, and Rosa Mendes. They will face Natalya and the Totally Irrelevant Divas. (Who watches that show? No one? Got it.) Anyways, A.J.’s team should win, but we know the Totally Irrelevant Divas will win because they have a tv show no one watches. Also, there’d better be some tension between A.J. and Kaitlyn (Remember that feud? The one without an ending? Can we have that again?).

Next is Big E. Langston defending his newly won Intercontinental Championship against Curtis Axel. Langston retains, end of story. Nothing else to say – have fun with the IC Title curse, E.

Next, the two matches that people are actually looking forward to. First, the 5 on 5 Elimination Tag Team Match between the Shield and the Real Americans against the Rhodes, the Usos, and Rey Mysterio. This should be an awesome match. Sure, I’m somewhat disappointed that that 6 on 6 Match with the Shield/Wyatts vs. Punk/Bryan/Rhodes/Usos isn’t happening because WWE is stupid, but hey, at least this gets Cesaro on the card. I’m really not sure who will win – I’m rooting for the Shield team, of course, but I’d guess the faces will win because Rey just returned.

And then there’s C.M. Punk and Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatt Family. I’m disappointed this isn’t a handicap match, but oh well. I know I wasn’t too impressed by Harper and Rowan in the beginning, but in the past month or so, they’ve turned things around. I won’t be mad with whoever wins, but I feel like the Wyatts should win this. I hope the feud continues so Punk and Wyatt get some mic time together – I also want Punk to say something about being in cults and then something around the lines of “What did I do to you?” referring to the initiations of the New Nexus.

Anyways, moving on to the matches no one cares about. First, John Cena will retain Dolph Ziggler’s World Heavyweight Championship against Alberto Del Rio. I hope we all realize that the story of this match is the same story as the one from Hell in a Cell four weeks ago. Can Cena beat Del Rio with an injured arm? OH, WELL, I DON’T KNOW – I WONDER IF THERE’S A PRECEDENT TO IT. I mean, they also wasted Damien Sandow’s cash in on this piece of shit and now Sandow’s not doing anything. Congratulations on ruining that entire angle and wasting a MITB case. Morons. (Should’ve been a triple threat.)

And finally, Randy Orton will defend C.M. Punk’s and Daniel Bryan’s WWE Championship against Big Show. Why? Because Orton vs. Big Show = NO BUYS. That’s why. They want no one to order this show, obviously. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE BIG SHOW. MOST OF THE INTERNET HATES RANDY ORTON. (I don’t, but most do.) Big Show doesn’t get a title shot just because he has a job again at Survivor Series 2013 just like Big Show doesn’t get a title shot because he’s no longer injured as Survivor Series 2011. And damn, he was champion at Survivor Series 2012. WHY IS BIG SHOW ALWAYS IN A TITLE MATCH AT SURVIVOR SERIES?? IT’S 2013! NO ONE HAS CARED ABOUT THE BIG SHOW IN YEARS. Orton wins, end of story. No one wants Big Show as a champion in 2013. Or ever, but I’ll be nice.

Overall, this is a two match card. Thankfully those matches should be really good, otherwise it wouldn’t even be worth watching. Definitely not worth the money of ordering it, though. Anyways, review Sunday as always.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #FollowTheBuzzards #ImTheEaterOfWorlds