SummerSlam weekend is finally here, so it’s time to make some predictions. And damn, did WWE suddenly realize what a PPV card is supposed to look like in the past couple of months or what? I mean, this, aside from three things that kind of suck, is the best lineup they’ve had since Night of Champions 2012 or Extreme Rules 2012. This has the potential to be the best PPV since MITB 2011. That aside, let’s get through the bullshit before we get to the good part of the show, shall we?

In the world of completely irrelevant matches that absolutely no one gives a fuck about, this Natalya vs. Brie Bella has got to be the king of all of them. This is a feud based off of a reality tv show that zero fucks are given about, and yet, it still gets better ratings than TNA has ever in its entire existence. Let’s face it, anytime the Bella Twins are on tv, it’s time to take a piss. Because they have absolutely no talent, have jobs for who they are dating – I hear they’re taking some time off to go clone themselves in some laboratory buried somewhere below Montana to give another one to Randy Orton – and they’re finish is being twins. Cool, that got old after one time, try something new. Like, learning how to wrestle. It comes in handy when you need to wrestle. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – the only difference between them except for Nikki’s fake tits is that one has no talent and the other has less, but I’m not sure which is which. And to think Natalya has to put up with being in a feud with such talentless hacks is kind of sad, but the amount of bullshit she’s had to put up with in her career is vast. A farting gimmick, being stuck with Khali and Hornswoggle who should both have been fired ages ago, and now a feud with a useless Bella. How did this even get on the card instead of Ambrose vs. RVD? That’s the scariest part. When will they realize that no one cares about the Bellas? It’s pathetic. Fire all divas not named Natalya, AJ, Kaitlyn, Layla, and Tamina at this point. I’ve heard Naomi of the Funkadactyls can wrestle but it’s yet to be seen. And bring up this Paige I’ve heard a lot about. Anyways, I guess the moronic new divas from this reality tv show garbage are going to be there too or something – I wouldn’t know as the #BellasEqualFastForward. I don’t care. Natalya vs. Brie, so I predict Nikki to win.

Now that the complete irrelevance is out of the way, I will talk about the preshow match because it deserves to be spoken about. Dean Ambrose will defend the U.S. Championship against Rob Van Dam. Okay, I don’t understand how this gets onto a preshow instead of the real card – it’s Ambrose vs. RVD for fuck’s sake! It would be an awesome PPV match, but nope, preshow! The Shield has somehow gotten the Miz’s preshow spot these days, which is ridiculous. Now I’d give the prediction of Ambrose winning because RVD’s not going to get a title with the schedule he’s wrestling, but since they’re planning a “major” angle for the preshow, which will just be Shield interference causing Big Show and Mark Henry to make a save such that the two of them get a tag title shot on the real show, or there’s another six man tag, I will say RVD by DQ. They should really have considered putting the mixed tag on the preshow, though, because I’m not aware of anyone who gives a fuck about that match either – I’m aware they’re not going to put a divas match on the preshow because they need a match that will draw the people who haven’t bought the show to actually buy the show, and the divas match is really just there for filler to bring the crowd back down, but they could do it with a lesser match than RVD vs. Ambrose. And I’m so looking forward to RVD selling Ambrose’s finisher – nobody sells head/neck bumps like RVD.

In the next match that I don’t give a fuck about, Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn vs. Big E. Langston and A.J. Maybe I would care about this if Langston didn’t suck, but alas, he does, so I don’t care. It’s really a shame that they felt forced to make Dolph have this match before he goes for his World Title again because of the way wrestling works. Dolph turned face, so A.J. and E. had to turn on him, but Dolph shouldn’t have felt the need to have a match with them. I would’ve just ignored them and went back for the title. I understand why this match is happening, but I don’t agree with its necessity, is what I’m trying to say. Also, Petition to make Langston wear real clothes. Anyway, Dolph and Kaitlyn basically have to win this match – Dolph to move on from the bullshit and back to his World Title, and Kaitlyn to get a rematch for the belt at Night of Champions against AJ, where she’ll finally regain the belt. Also, anyone remember that Layla turned heel two weeks ago? No? Didn’t think so. Layla turned on Kaitlyn and sided with AJ but very little came out of it and hasn’t been mentioned in three shows. I assumed they were going with an angle of AJ was hurt so badly by Dolph and the numerous guys before him that she turned to women, and Layla decided that AJ was the second coming of Michelle McCool, only AJ has actual talent and isn’t ugly. But maybe that’s just me.

Bray Wyatt will make his debut (as Bray Wyatt) against Kane in a Ring of Fire match, which I guess is an Inferno match where you don’t burn people. I’m looking forward to this a lot – mainly to see if Bray has improved as much as a wrestler as he did as a talker. I was never impressed with him as Husky Harris – then again, I may have been too concentrated on making petitions for him to wear pants, but that’s besides the point – if he can wrestle, then he could go pretty far I think. His promos are awesome and I love their entrance – it’s something new that WWE hasn’t had in a while. Now, his subordinates, on the other hand, I’m far from sold on. Harper and Rowan have had a couple of squash matches and they looked far from impressive. Of course, they weren’t going up against anyone great either, so I will hold off final judgment on them until they have a non-squash match with people who don’t suck. But this should be interesting, and obviously Bray’s going to win.

Next is Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow, the best undercard feud in ages. And while it’s simple, it works. The segments leading to Cody throwing the briefcase in the Gulf of Mexico were awesome. I still wish this was for the breifcase, though. This should be good, and I’d like to see Cody win, but I wouldn’t expect it. Then again they like to make briefcase holders job a lot, so who knows.

Next is Alberto Del Rio defending Dolph Ziggler’s World Heavyweight Championship against Christian. Now, while I think this match will be good and I’m glad they’re giving Christian a World Title Match, does anyone really think he has a chance to win? I mean, is this not just a filler title defense for Del Rio while Dolph is stuck in a useless mixed tag match? Dolph really should be winning the World Title back here, I’m sorry. Del Rio to win.

Next, in one of two main events, C.M. Punk will face Brock Lesnar. The buildup for this match has been amazing. And that buildup video they showed on Smackdown tonight was epic. If nothing else, WWE has always been able to make great video packages – you can never fault them on that – they can even make a nothing feud look like something awesome. Trust me, they’ve done it many times. Anyways, this feud has been the best thing WWE has done all year. Fuck Rock vs. Cena. Even Rock vs. Punk wasn’t too great because the matches weren’t as good as expected and Rock won, so who cares? Honestly I don’t know how they don’t make this No DQ. The match will be great, there’s no question of that – the question is the winner. If the feud is to continue, then Brock wins. Punk MUST come out of this feud the victor – he’s already lost to the Rock twice, John Cena once, and Undertaker at WrestleMania – he must go over a big name now. And if this is, for whatever reason (like Brock’s schedule), a one off match, then Punk must win. End of story. If Brock wins and that’s it, I don’t know where Punk goes from here. (Actually, if he wins or also if he loses and does eventually have a rematch, what the hell does he do at Night of Champions? Face Curtis Axel? No thanks.)

And finally, John Cena will defend C.M. Punk’s WWE Championship (in a match where we could finally see me take “C.M. Punk’s” off the beginning of the title’s name if Bryan wins) against Daniel Bryan. The world is waiting to see this match, just like Punk/Lesnar. Now, is this feud basically another version of Punk/Cena? Yes. But it’s still great. The buildup the past couple of weeks have been great (except for the one moronic troll in the audience on Monday cheering against Daniel Bryan whenever he spoke, and Cena continuing to try to use Make a Wish kids as an excuse to try to get people to stop booing him, which is just dumb.) The only problem with this match is the McMahon involvement. The whole McMahon angle bullshit that’s going to lead into WrestleMania got old in June, and I’m at a point where I don’t ever need to see any of them or Triple H again for like, five years. And Triple H is the referee (Oh hey, SummerSlam 2011!) Vince doesn’t want Bryan to win, but “doesn’t want” Cena as champion either. (Which is a hilarious comment.) And the Randy Orton cash in possibility as he’s been showing up in all of this over and over. Basically, there’s going to be some bullshit with this match, no matter how great it could end up being. Here’s some possibilities how this match ends up:

1) Daniel Bryan makes John Cena tap out (or roll up, whatever). Randy Orton cashes in and wins the title from him. The internet explodes.

2) Daniel Bryan makes John Cena tap out (or roll up, whatever). Triple H turns heel and attacks him, Randy Orton cashes in and wins the title, aligning himself with Triple H and turning heel. The internet explodes.

3) Daniel Bryan has the match of his life. Still loses. The internet explodes. Randy Orton  attacks both, punts Cena, cashes in, wins the title, turns heel.

4) Both men are down in the middle of the match. Orton comes down, attacks both Bryan and Cena, getting a DQ finish. Cashes in, punts Cena, wins the title. (Why not just attack someone midmatch if you see an opening? They can cash in at ANY time. Who says they can’t cash in during a match and make it a triple threat either?)

5) Bryan wins, Orton doesn’t cash in. (Least likely. Cena’s going to be out for a while for surgery on his elbow, I see only an Orton punt to the skull doing the honors of putting him on the shelf.)

6) Bryan wins, Orton cashes in, Bryan gets himself DQ’ed or counted out. I don’t see why this has never happened with a MITB cash in. Why wouldn’t someone whose exhausted from a match or a beat down and about to get lose via cash in just get DQ’ed and live to fight another day? They might have to face the person later on, but they’d be fresh. WHY HAS THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN EIGHT YEARS? Brains, people should have them. Granted Bryan’s a face and wouldn’t do that. But the opportunity should always be available. For the cash in to be legit, the two competitors must both be standing to start the match. (This, of course, makes Alberto Del Rio’s cash in on C.M. Punk at SummerSlam 2011 a COMPLETE SHAM BECAUSE PUNK WAS NEVER ON HIS FEET, HE WAS ON HIS KNEES. (THIS IS MORE IRONIC BECAUSE SWAGGER’S OLD THEME GET ON YOUR KNEES JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY ITUNES WHEN I TYPED ON HIS KNEES. AND IT REQUIRED CAPS BECAUSE OF RIDICULOSITY.))

So, out of all those possibilities, I don’t really know which happens. The moral of the story is, win or lose for Bryan, Orton’s walking out with the belt. We’ll just have to see how. I’d be surprised to see it not happen, although I’d prefer Bryan to just walk out with the belt. Orton is very slowly climbing back up my list right now, and a heel turn would do wonders for him, but I still want Bryan to win. And if Cena wins before a cash in, the internet’s going to hate it, and the show could otherwise be a perfect ten out of ten and they’d rate it a 3 because Bryan lost. So, we’ll just wait and see how it turns out.

Also, congrats to Ryback at finally winning at a PPV last month only to not be on the next PPV. That did wonders for your career. Also, congrats to the Miz for winning the WWE Title and defeating Cena at WM27, only to now be relegated to PPV Host duties – your career is going great!

Overall, besides some bullshit, this show looks amazing. This is a real wrestling fan’s WrestleMania. Screw WM29 – it sucked. This could be the best PPV since MITB ’11. Review on Sunday.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #IsItOctoberYet?