The following was originally posted on my previous blog in October of 2012. It is a parody of a WWE Creative meeting, including many wrestlers and promoters, past and present. Needless to say, none of this is true, and warning, it’s not PG.
Vince McMahon: Alright, everyone, we need to get this script for Raw done, like, yesterday. If anyone has any ideas on how to get the fans to love John Cena and Sheamus more, let’s hear them.
Eric Bischoff: Why do you care what the fans think about them? The fans are completely irrelevant and the only people who matter in terms of deciding who gets a push is us.
Vince McMahon: Because we have to at least give the illusion that the fans’ voices matter. That’s why we have all the rigged #Rawactive polls and the touts
Hulk Hogan: What is this tout, brother?
Vince McMahon: It’s the least relevant form of social media. I figured it would be a good idea to hop on board the Tout Train before it really takes off
John Laurinitas: But what exactly is a ‘tout?’
Vince McMahon: It’s kind of like Twitter, although instead of posting messages in typewritten form in 140 characters or less, you can post videos fifteen seconds or less to try to get your important points across. I figured it was the best way for you, John, to get your message about People Power across without boring people with your Laryngitis Voice too much. (John scowls, thus looking exactly like he always does)
Al Snow: So, Vince, you mean instead of going on a spree of tweets about going down on my wife, I can post fifteen second videos about it instead? (Al looks like he just came up with the best gimmick since Head Cheese) (Author’s Note: That spree of tweets? They actually happened.)
Vince McMahon: NO AL. THIS IS A PG SHOW. Remember we bow down to Mattel now. God, how did this go from a conversation about getting John Cena more over to someone getting head. (Vince then realizes how dumb he sounds as he looks down and sees a head between his legs with a familiar Rise Above Hate cap on it.)
There’s an awkward silence until Eric Bischoff comes up with an idea for the beginning of the show.
Eric Bischoff: Ok, here’s what we’ll do. After the Opening Video with all of the Tonight is the Night garbage spewing into the 10%-ers ears – why did we stop with the Nickelback theme, anyway? I thought we hated the fans? Well, whatever. We have John Cena come out to that God awful theme music and tell some story about how rose above that one thing and how he’s going to rise above this other thing, and then spew out some mumbo jumbo about how The Rock still isn’t around, even if Rock doesn’t owe the fans anything. Cena’s still butthurt, and I think you know what I mean by butthurt, about what happened at WrestleMania. He’s going to talk about how he’s going to defeat C.M. Punk for another useless, pathetic title reign, go on to the Rumble to face The Rock and beat him. And then the fans will have no choice but to love Cena, even the 10%-ers who still live in 2000, because Cena defeated their hero.
Paul Heyman: There’s only one problem with that, Eric, and it’s not the fact that you still have no idea how to run a company after all of these years. WCW died, and TNA was on life support until you left. But that is besides the point. The problem is that the 10%-ers don’t like The Rock, and there are more than 10%. They like C.M. Punk, the best wrestler in the world. The best this company has seen in some time. And while you all like to live in your fantasy world where the people cheering for C.M. Punk in his segments with Cena are in fact cheering for Cena, you are truly delusional.
Vince McMahon: Now just hold on a second there, Paul. Don’t you know that we have the commentators attest to the fact that “No one evokes such an emotional response from the WWE Universe like John Cena?”
Paul Heyman: That, Vince, with all due respect, is a cop out. What does that statement even mean? No one makes someone feel an emotion like John Cena? Oh, certainly. The problem with that reasoning is that THE EMOTION that the fans are experiencing are POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE. Most of the time Cena’s booed out of the building because he’s been playing the same incorruptable character for years. Going on about how he evokes the most emotion out of the crowd more than anyone is complete and utter bullshit – guys like Stone Cold, The Rock, Shawn Michaels, and Undertaker, among others, are unanimously cheered by the audience, and much louder than any of Cena’s reactions have ever been. So the next time you want to say something about Cena evoking the most emotion out of an audience, you remember that you’re saying Cena’s mixed reaction, at best, is above the level of Stone Cold’s, The Rock’s, Shawn Michaels’, and Undertaker’s UNANIMOUSLY POSITIVE, LOUDER REACTIONS – if you plan to keep this up, I hope you feel so very good about yourself, because the rest of us are all looking at you with disgust.
Vince McMahon: …… (Stares at Paul incredulously)
C.M. Punk: Pipebomb! (Smirks)
Vince McMahon: I’m just going to disregard your opinion, like I always do. Anyways, moving on. So Cena’s cutting the same promo he always does. Make sure he makes some Star Wars references, sucks the crowd’s dick, no matter if they cheer or boo him, and then say how he wants another title match. C.M. Punk will come out and tells him that the only way to get a title match is to win a special handicap match later on tonight. Cena accepts the challenge and tells him that he loves being in the ring with lots of men, so the more the better.
After the first segment is completed, a confused Randy Orton walks into the meeting.
Vince McMahon: What do you want now, Randy?
Randy Orton: I was just thinking about things again about how I’m the youngest World Heavyweight Champion – I remember having the title and losing it to Triple H, but who did I beat for it again?
Vince McMahon: We’ve been over this over and over, Randy – you walked into the ring and found the belt which just happened to suddenly appear there. You didn’t beat anybody?
Triple H: Wasn’t that related to that invisible person that I tapped out to at WrestleMania 20? The same one that teamed up with Shawn Michaels against you and Shane a couple years later?
Vince McMahon: No, Triple H. Shawn tagged with God. They are not the same person. And don’t kid yourself, Undertaker vs. Kane was the main event of WrestleMania 20.
Triple H: No, I’m pretty sure I wrestled someone in the main event with Shawn Michaels. Who was it?
Shawn Michaels: Was it Simon Dean? (Triple H nods his head meaning no. Shawn goes into a list of names which Triple H keeps saying no to.) Hillbilly Jim? Duke the Dumpster Droese? Earthquake? Gillberg? The Gobbledy Gooker? The Goon? Brother Love? Dude Love? Rhyno? A-Train? Scottie 2 Hottie? Grandmaster Sexay? Nicky? Mikey? Mitch? Kenny? Kerwin White? Kamala? Harvey Whippleman? Santino? Santina? Bobby Lashley? The Great Khali? Kronik? X-Pac? Mordecai? Hugh Morrus? Hornswoggle? Heath Slater? Tyler Reks? Charlie Haas? Matt Striker, your teacher? Big Daddy V? The World’s Largest Love Machine? The Big Bad Booty Daddy? The Hip Hop Hippo? Chris Nowinski? Jamie Noble? Doink the Clown? Repo Man? Vladimir Kozlov? Sexual Chocolate? The Blue Meanie? The Dicks? Billy and Chuck? (At this point, Paul Heyman facepalms.)
Paul Heyman: For fuck’s sake, it was Chris Benoit! (Triple H and Randy Orton point at Paul as if they had an epiphany and say “That’s it!”)
The entire McMahon family, Hulk Hogan, John Laurinitas, and Eric Bischoff put their fingers over their lips and SHHHHHH!!!! loudly in unison.
Paul Heyman: What? Someone had to stop Shawn’s tirade of useless gimmicks! The fans don’t even remember who that is, anyway. They don’t remember anything after three months, remember?
Vince McMahon: I can’t have that name ever mentioned. Remember, Linda needs a senate seat so she can push her McMahonist Agenda on congress.
Hulk Hogan: McMahonist Agenda, brother?
Vince McMahon: Well, I created my own religion in 2006 – you must’ve been out of the company at that point. In fact, you’re not in this company right now, what are you doing here?
Hulk Hogan: Narwhals, brother. Narwhals. That, and Eugene saw me walking down the side of the road begging for money and waved at me. He practically told me that I had to come with him to help continue to ruin the wrestling business with him at some meeting you were having.
Vince McMahon: But Eugene isn’t here, Hulk.
Hulk Hogan: He found a swingset in the middle of the road and ran up to it. Unfortunately that swingset was on the side of a truck. It’s very sad, brother.
Vince McMahon: It sounds like it. How do you feel about this, Eric? He is your nephew, after all. (Vince turns to Eric, you has fallen onto his knees with his hands grasped together, sobbing and looking up at the ceiling.)
Eric Bischoff: Finally! It finally happened! I never thought this day would come! I’ve been waiting so long to finally be rid of that disgrace to the Bischoff name.
Vince McMahon: I figured you’d be pleased. Can we move on to the next segment now, or are there any more voices going through your head, Randy?
Randy Orton: It’s not voices, it’s IED!
Vince McMahon: Whatever. Next we need Brodus Clay to squash someone. Who’s next for the Brodus Squash-a-thon?
Goldust: I think it’s Cody’s turn. (Goldust does his weird breathing thing before barking at Vince.)
Vince McMahon: Why in the hell do you keep doing that?
Goldust: YOU DISAGREED WITH ME. YOU ARE NOW BLOCKED FROM MY TWITTER.
Vince McMahon: I don’t have a Twitter. And I don’t know what that means.
Goldust: YOU ARE NOW BLOCKED IN REAL LIFE. (Goldust keeps talking, but Vince can no longer hear him.)
Vince McMahon: Anyways, since he’s suddenly mute, I believe he said Cody.
John Laurinitas: I’m sorry, Vince, I can’t hear you over Goldust’s incessant babbling.
Vince McMahon: But he isn’t saying anything!
John Laurinitas: That’s because he blocked you.
Vince McMahon: I still don’t know what that means. Can someone tell him to shut up?
Several people try to stop Goldust’s tirade at once and it gets really loud.
Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
Everyone turns to Vickie.
Vickie Guerrero: What? Why is everyone looking at me?
Paul Heyman: Who invited you to this meeting?
Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME!
Paul Heyman: If that’s all you have to say, you’ll have to excuse us as we disregard whatever else that spews out of your mouth. (Vickie scowls)
Vince McMahon: Back to the subject at hand. Yes, I think Cody’s a good choice to job to Brodus today. He’s talented, so it’s only right that he lose to someone whose gimmick is jiggling and then jumping on you after one headbutt for his win. Oh, and make sure those – what are they called? – Funkadactyls dance and they bring the children into the ring and have them show the kids how they shakes their butts! Also make sure the kids only have on John Cena, Randy Orton, Santino, or Sheamus shirts.
Hulk Hogan: What are these Funkadactyls, brother?
C.M. Punk: It’s kind of like you, if you were funky and had wings. (Punk smirks. He and Paul Heyman fist bump.) Also, I know that Funky’s on a roll, but isn’t one of the Funkadactyls on parole?
Vince McMahon: Yes. (C.M. Punk facepalms)
Val Venis: I’ve just had a brilliant idea for the next segment. Santino comes out and talks about how he can’t find the Cobra, and then I come out in my towel and tell him that I’ve got the Cobra sock on. I take off my towel and the only thing I’m wearing is the Cobra Sock over my….
Vince McMahon: VAL THIS IS A PG SHOW!
Big Dick Johnson: Can I be involved in this segment somehow? I haven’t greased my fat body up and danced around in a ring in only a thong in a long time. I’ve been getting so many calls from Cena about how much he missed those segments.
Vince McMahon: Why did I even invite you two to this meeting?
D-X Triple H: It’s simple, you love cocks. (Picks up a Vince Loves Cocks T-Shirt and tries to sell it to an invisible TV audience.)
Vince McMahon: No, I don’t love cocks. I love dicks. But that’s a whole different story.
D-X Triple H: Don’t worry, Vince. You don’t love dicks nearly as much as Stephanie does.
Chris Jericho: Filthy, Disgusting, Brutal, Bottom-Feeding, Trashbag Ho!
The Godfather: It’s time, once again, for everybody to get on board the HOOOOOO TRAIN!
Jerry Lawler: I love puppies!
Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME!!!
Vince McMahon: Okay, we’ll go with that, Val. It sounds like compelling, moving television. I’m sure we’ll win a few Emmys.
Al Snow: I’ve got our next Ryback segment, then, if that’s allowed on the show.
Vince McMahon: Let’s just get that out of the way, Al – what is it now?
Al Snow: I walk up to Ryback and tell him about going down on my wife. He just stares at me before throwing his fists up and down saying “Feed me more! Feed me more!”
Vince McMahon: I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Why did I even ask?
Paul Heyman: I’ve got a better segment for Ryback. He walks around backstage and sees Hornswoggle running around with a huge slab of corned beef and a box of lucky charms. He chases Hornswoggle around the halls until they end up in a room. Hornswoggle draws an opening on the wall and runs through it, kind of like he did when Carlito chased him, only Ryback runs through the wall and breaks it. Ryback screams “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch.” and Hornswoggle surrenders the corned beef. Ryback eats it, then goes into a Feed Me More chant. Hornswoggle, afraid, gives him the lucky charms. Ryback eats it, including the box. He chants Feed Me More again, then looks at Hornswoggle. He then proceeds to eat Hornswoggle, and still says Feed Me More.
Vince McMahon: Brilliant idea, Paul. That way I don’t have to feel bad that I left little Hornswoggle out of my will.
John Bradshaw Layfield: Remember that I found out Hornswoggle was Finlay’s son?
Vince McMahon: That was a load of bullshit. I falsified some papers. I have a thing for getting Irish women pregnant then leaving them to fend for themselves. Unfortunately I’m still paying for that to this day, though, because they threatened to kill me if I don’t give my illegitimate children a job.
John Bradshaw Layfeild: Illegitimate….children?
Vince McMahon: Yes, children. How’d you think Sheamus got here?
Paul Heyman: Oh, I thought you had just learned how to animate a corpse and stuck some flaming red hair on it. Tell me again, why is he called “The Great White?”
Vince McMahon: Because he’s great, and he’s white.
Paul Heyman: But isn’t that the least bit racist? Shouldn’t Mark Henry at least be “The Great Black?”
Vince McMahon: No, because we’d have tons of other races who’d want a similar nickname. The Great Khali would have to be renamed “The Great Indian,” Kelly Kelly would have to be “The Great Orange Orange,” and Kofi Kingston would have to be “The Great Fake Jamaican.”
Mike Adamle: Jamaican Me Crazy! (Vince turns to him in disgust.)
Vince McMahon: Good God, who invited you?
Mike Adamle: Jeff Harvey
Vince McMahon: I knew I shouldn’t have asked. Moving on, it’s time for our next match. How about Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston?
Michael Hayes: Hasn’t that match been done, like, 37 times in four years?
Vince McMahon: Maybe. But the fans don’t know that.
Michael Hayes: That’s probably not true.
Vince McMahon: Does it look like I care what the fans think?
Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME! I will not let Dolph be in a match he’s been in over and over again! He is my client! I know I don’t exactly do anything accept for exist to annoy the shit out of people and look disgusting in dressed with holes in them while Jerry Lawler bullies me on commentary, but I just will not stand for this.
Vince McMahon: Well we could always put you in a wheelchair again. (Vickie shuts up.) Okay, I guess that match has happened enough. We’ll come up with something for Dolph later. How about David Otunga and Ricardo Rodriguez against Little Jimmy?
John Laurinitas: Brilliant! But isn’t Little Jimmy also invisible like Chris Benoit and God?
Vince McMahon: Who cares? It will make for brilliant television when Little Jimmy pins Ricardo Rodriguez.
Jim Ross: I’m sorry to inform you, Vince, that Little Jimmy is still injured from when Daniel Bryan kicked him out of the ring and up the ramp. He can’t compete tonight.
Vince McMahon: Well, that’s not helpful.
Eric Bischoff: Disregard that match, Vince. I’ve got a brilliant idea.
Vince McMahon: You’ve got a brilliant idea, Eric? What’s it been since your last one, ten years? I mean, you’ve been fresh out since the Elimination Chamber.
Eric Bischoff: Picture this: Daniel Bryan and Gene Snitsky in a baby punting contest!
Vince McMahon: That actually is brilliant, Eric. I knew we paid you the big bucks for a reason.
Eric Bischoff: You’re not paying me anything, Vince.
Vince McMahon: Oh. Well, that’s too bad. Well make sure to complain about that to Kevin Nash the next time you see him at the Waffle House.
C.M. Punk: What do you people have against Waffle House?
Vince McMahon: Nothing.
Paul Heyman: Before we go any further, can we have a commentary team tonight of myself, Jim Ross, William Regal, John Bradshaw Layfield, Mick Foley, C.M. Punk, Joey Styles, Edge, Jerry Lawler, and The Miz?
Vince McMahon: What is that, ten people?
Paul Heyman: Yes. I like to call it, the Clusterfuck of Awesomeness Announce Team.
Vince McMahon: What is Punk has a match?
Paul Heyman: Oh, he can commentate and wrestle at the same time, don’t worry about it.
Vince McMahon: How about Michael Cole, Matt Striker, Jonathan Coachman, and Mike Adamle instead?
Paul Heyman: NO!
Vince McMahon: Fine. Moving along, our next match is going to be Sheamus vs. The Merchandise Stand. I figure if he defeats The Merchandise Stand, he might finally be able to sell things other than merchandise.
Eric Bischoff: But I thought it was good business for him to kick out of two Codebreakers, where one was in midair, or slam someone out of an Armbar using the arm that’s been worked on the entire match?
Vince McMahon: Personally, I agree. This isn’t right, but I’m trying to see if the other route works for once. Okay, so after that’s over, we should be done with hour one. We’ll move directly into our first hour main event of Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara vs. the Rhodes Scholars to decide the winners of the tag tournament.
Paul Heyman: Would it kill you to have real tag teams go after the tag belts, like the Usos? And didn’t Cody already have a match earlier against Brodus Clay?
Vince McMahon: Oh, I forgot. I’ll keep that match off of tv and put it as a dark match. Brodus Clay can have a danceathon with Rikishi instead. And yes, it would kill me to actually have the Usos do something on tv.
Theodore Long: So who’s going to win the tag match, playa?
Vince McMahon: I’m not sure. I still don’t know if Kane and Daniel Bryan are faces or heels. But I think Rhodes Scholars are going to win so Cody’s stuck in a division he doesn’t belong in for a while.
Theodore Long: I think this show needs more tag matches. Tag matches are the best kinds of matches. Tag matches. Playa. (Teddy does the Teddy Long dance.)
A loud noise interrupts the meeting as Kane and Daniel Bryan bust open the door, staring at each other and holding up their titles.
Daniel Bryan: I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Kane: NO I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Chris Jericho: WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT…THE HELL…UP!!! (Kane and Daniel Bryan turn to him.) Give it a rest. I had the unified tag team titles by myself for several weeks when Edge was selfish enough to get injured, back when there were two title belts for each person and not just one awful looking penny.
Daniel Bryan and Kane: WE’RE THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Chris Jericho: Hey, look at that, you finally got it right.
Kane: Vince, who are we facing tonight. I really need to eviscerate someone.
Vince McMahon: Well, you could face Viscera?
Kane: No. Isn’t his finisher humping someone? I’ll pass.
Daniel Bryan: Humping? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Paul Heyman: You see what you started, Vince? Make better choices next time. They’ll face Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel.
Vince McMahon: Ok, next Alberto Del Rio will squash Zack Ryder, because he lost at the PPV. Every time Del Rio loses at a PPV, he must squash Zack Ryder to stay relevant. A couple other squash matches we should have is The Miz vs. Ted DiBiase, and Kofi Kingston vs. JTG.
Eric Bischoff: Who the hell is JTG?
Hulk Hogan: What does this JTG stand for, brother?
Vince McMahon: I don’t know, I’ve never asked him. He probably stole Juventud Gerrera’s initials or something. He’s bitching about things on Twitter, so he needs to lose. Also, R-Truth can beat Primo or Epico, whichever one is more closely related to Carlito. That should be enough to get to the second hour main event. Our second hour main event will be Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho.
Chris Jericho: Our we finally going to have a feud or is it just a random match?
Vince McMahon: Real feud.
Chris Jericho: Okay. Randy, you have my permission to miss the RKO again. (C.M. Punk snickers)
Vince McMahon: This match will be #Rawactive, with the choices being No Holds Barred, Street Fight, and No DQ.
Randy Orton: What’s the difference between those matches again?
Paul Heyman: Absolutely nothing.
Randy Orton: That’s what I thought.
Vince McMahon: C.M. Punk will defeat Dolph Ziggler.
Vickie Guerrero: EXCUSE ME!
C.M. Punk: Shut up Vickie.
Vince McMahon: Anyways, then we’ll have a piss break match between Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox, who just turned heel again. Make sure the crowd gets to hear Kelly’s entire theme since it’s her last night in the company, and then make sure she screams COME ON!!!!! every three seconds, especially if Alicia decides to move out of the way of the stinkface. We all know how much everyone wants to have someone’s ass rubbed in their face. During this match, AJ will come out and #SkipSkipSkip around the ring for seemingly no reason.
Al Snow: Hey, you know how Edge just showed up to promote Haven?
Vince McMahon: Yes? Why?
Al Snow: Do you think I could go to the ring and promote my new show called Going Down?
Vince McMahon: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, AL, JUST BECAUSE YOUR GIMMICK WAS CARRYING A MANNEQUIN HEAD AROUND DOESN’T MEAN WE NEED ALL THE HEAD JOKES. YOOUUU’RRRREEEEEE FIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEDDDDD!
Al Snow: But I don’t work here.
Vince McMahon: OUT! GET OUT!
Al Snow (in his best Mr. Green voice): I’m going to go home and go down on my wife!
C.M. Punk grabs a lead pipe and hits Al on the head with it. Ron Simmons walks in.
Ron Simmons: DAMN!!
Vince McMahon: Sorry about that. I don’t know what I was thinking about bringing him here. Anyways, Tensai will face R-Truth, and Big Show will throw Jack Swagger into the Gulf of Mexico. Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, and Drew McIntyre will have their three man band debut performance, which will be them trying to play Triple H’s theme song. The Rock will return to say that he’ll be back in five months. And finally we’ll have the main event.
C.M. Punk: I should be the main event! (Vince looks down and says something silently, and looks as if he’s reassuring someone.)
Vince McMahon: Maybe next week. Punk, you’ll bring out Cena’s opponents, and it will be Nexus, Evolution, Big Show, Chris Jericho, Christian, Kane, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Big Daddy V, Bill DeMott, Brock Lesnar, Antonio Cesaro, and the entire U.S. Military. John will win after eliminating them all. Certainly this will make the crowd love him unanimously.
C.M. Punk and Paul Heyman: You know, somehow I don’t think so.
Vince calls the meeting to an end and everyone leaves except for him. He gets up slowly and looks out the door before zipping his pants back up.
Vince McMahon: It’s ok, John, nobody’s looking.
John Cena comes out from under the table and stands up, staring at Vince. As he does so, Vince notices that Al Snow is also just getting up from C.M. Punk hitting him with the lead pipe, and realizes he’s seen everything.
Al Snow: Hey, I bet if the show was about going down on my boss, you’d be all for it, right Vince?
Vince McMahon: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AL!!! (Vince chases him down the hallway screaming profanities, leaving John Cena all by himself.)
John Cena: Well, if you want some, come get some! (John smiles and shrugs his shoulders.)