Well, it’s time for yet another PPV Predictions post, this time for WWE’s Money in the Bank. This is the first post that’s on a public blog of mine since mid-2011, so that’s borderline exciting. (Let’s see how long it takes to encounter a troll.) Anyways, like I said in my previous post, this has got to be the first time I’m excited for two PPVs in a row in ages on the pure merit of the shows themselves – I think since either WrestleMania 28 and Extreme Rules 2012, or maybe SummerSlam + Night of Champions 2012 – I don’t recall how excited I was for SummerSlam.

The preshow is the Shield (Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) defending the WWE World Tag Team Championship against the Usos. Why in the world is this the match on the preshow? I actually want to watch this match and now I can’t. I watch PPVs at a bar. I’m not near a computer and I’m not watching it on my phone in a bar. There are two much more qualified matches for the preshow, those being Miz vs. Axel and Jericho vs. Ryback. I don’t give a damn about either matches. Miz vs. Axel is the best candidate for this slot – Miz is Mr. Pre-show and I don’t care about Axel. I care equally about Ryback vs. Jericho but at least Jericho is awesome, so he should be on the PPV. That being said, this match should be pretty good. I can’t imagine the Usos will win since it’s a preshow match – if the titles were to change it had better be on the show. I do hope that the Usos are the ones to take the belts from the Shield but it’s too early to do it. The Usos aren’t built up quite enough at the moment. So, Shield to win.

To get the matches I don’t care about out of the way, we’ll start with Chris Jericho vs. Ryback. I don’t care about this match at all – what they should’ve done was make this match for a final spot in the WWE Title MITB match. (They could actually still do that.) But, while Chris Jericho is one of the best wrestlers in the company, nobody can make me care about Ryback, especially now. Ryback is nothing more than a whiny bitch now. Once you decide to have a match with The Miz, you’re officially a bitch. It’s The Miz, for fuck’s sake. If you’re scared of him, just quit the business. And it doesn’t help that Jericho just loses to everyone anyways. Actually, Ryback and Jericho lose to everyone, so something has to give here. Ryback to win, because he has to win on PPV at some point. (He’s only beaten jobbers on PPV, which is ironic because Jericho is sadly a glorified jobber.) (But don’t be surprised if Jericho wins, at which point I’ll just laugh even more at Ryback.)

Next, Curtis Axel defending the WWE Intercontinental Championship against The Miz. I don’t really know why this match is happening – I guess Miz probably feels like he was screwed out of the belt at Payback even though he lost legitimately and cleanly, so he shouldn’t get a match just because he’s an idiot, right? Right. Anyways, Curtis Axel to win, and no one will care.

And the last match I don’t care about, John Cena defending C.M. Punk’s WWE Championship against Mark Henry. I’m not sure I can count the amount of fucks I don’t give about this match. Yes, Mark Henry did a very convincing job of faking retirement. I’m not sure whether to say I bought it or not – I was going along with it, it sounded good, but I did also say aloud “It’d be hilarious if he slammed Cena at the end of this.” And he did. (Why else was Cena out there?) So, I’ll leave it for you to decide if I fell for it, because it really doesn’t matter. But, apart from that, I haven’t paid attention to anything else in the feud. I haven’t watched anything involving Cena since WrestleMania except for PPV matches because I’d feel dishonest to write a review without the “WWE Title” match. The fact is the WWE Championship is irrelevant. It’s a prop these days that means nothing. John Cena vs. “Monster” or John Cena vs. “Big Guy” are stories that have been done TO DEATH. I’ve heard this has boiled down yet again to “Can John Cena pick up Mark Henry?” Didn’t we just do can John Cena pick up Big Show for the 80th time last year? If he can pick up Big Show, which he did for the first time at Tribute to the Troops 2003, mind you, the answer is fucking duh.  In fact, I watched a video yesterday that showed John Cena FU’ing Mark Henry four times, Big Show three times (once with Edge on top of him, and the Great Khali. So let’s please stop making a big fucking deal about whether or not Cena can pick someone up because the answer is yes, and please don’t go crazy with excitement when he does. It stopped being impressive in 2004. John Cena wins, because duh.

On to matches that I’m looking forward to watching.

First, AJ defending the WWE Third Rate Women’s Championship against Kaitlyn. Their first match was definitely the best divas match in ages, so I’m expecting even better now. But the feud has gotten a bit weird. AJ got in Kaitlyn’s head to start the feud because she was chasing the championship. That makes sense. Now she has the belt. She shouldn’t be chasing Kaitlyn around anymore trying to get in her head. That being said, the contract signing tonight was great. It’s been a long time since there’s been a divas storyline that was good – hell, it’s been a long time since there’s been a divas storyline. Not sure who the winner will be, could go either way, but I’ll predict AJ to retain.

Next, Alberto Del Rio will defend Dolph Ziggler’s World Heavyweight Championship against Dolph Ziggler. This should be a good match, but I’m just annoyed because I’m 99.99% sure that WWE is going to have Big E Langston and/or AJ cost Dolph the match, and then fuck up by having Dolph vs. Langston at SummerSlam. I’m not mad that they’re going to screw him out of the belt – it’s basically a necessity if they’re going to run with Dolph as a face. Right now he’s in between. If Philadelphia wasn’t a smart crowd it would  be interesting to see the crowd reaction for this match since they wouldn’t be sure who to root for. It would be too early for Dolph to get the belt back since they’re going with the double turn after all. But he should be getting the belt back at SummerSlam. If he doesn’t everything was for naught. I’ll explain more about why Dolph/Langston at SummerSlam is a mistake if and when Dolph is screwed out of the title Sunday, so look for that in the review. So, yes, Del Rio to win.

Okay, onto the entire purpose of the show – the Money in the Bank Ladder Matches. It’s unfortunate that the WWE Championship Ladder match is yet again filled with former champions, but there are several superstars in it that wouldn’t make the match a total loss. We can hope they learn their lesson next year. But first, the World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match. I’m going to just list off the competitors in order from who should win the match the least to who should win, and list why. I think both of these matches should be really good, and it’s interesting that the WHC one is all heels and the WWE Title one is all faces, except for potentially one. Anyways, here we go:

WHC MITB Ladder Match:

Jack Swagger: This is the absolute worst case scenario to win this match. He’s won it already, he sucked as champion, he still sucks now.

Fandango: Second worst only because Swagger fucking sucks. This guy just got here. He’s not even proven whether he’s good or not. He’s only over because a smart crowd thought it would be funny to do his theme song, and now that’s not even around. The only thing people like is Summer Rae (Who could blame them?). This guy’s not even ready for the midcard, so if he wins this, we’re doomed.

The previous two are the only ways this match could go wrong. The rest are all good choices.

Wade Barrett: Of the good choices, Barrett’s the worst one to go with. He’s lost so many matches and hasn’t done anything relevant since returning last year. His vignettes showed he was some badass ‘Fight Club’ kind of guy. Still wondering where that guy is. He’s lost so much that he’s almost a bad choice to win here, but I still like Barrett so I’d give it a pass.

Antonio Cesaro: Cesaro is awesome. And while that’s true, and I’d be happy he won it, it’s still a bit too soon with him. Unfortunately that’s going to be the case with A LOT of the people in this match. Only 3 of the 7 in the match debuted before WrestleMania of last year. (Unless you’re really going to count when Damien Sandow was Idol Stevens in 2006, but I would suggest you not.) Anyways, Cesaro has been jobbing for a while and has just recently gotten involved with Swagger and Zeb Colter, where he’s started to rise a little from the ashes of his US Title reign. Unfortunately he’s with Swagger though, who will no doubt hold him back just like he held Ziggler back for three years and occasionally still tries.

Damien Sandow: I would love to see Sandow with Money in the Bank for the sole purpose of seeing how his character would handle it. His character is so awesome, and it would be something different than just arrogant heel will cash in after someone has had a match. But again, he’s only been around a year, and also jobs a lot.

Dean Ambrose: Ambrose is my official prediction to win. And he’s my second choice to win. He’s my second choice, again, because he only debuted in November. Granted, Dean Ambrose is awesome and will be a huge star in the WWE in the future, I don’t know if it’s too early. But it would be awesome to see Dean Ambrose with the MITB case in the back with the Shield. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine the Shield just jumping the champion in the back and dragging him to the ring for Ambrose to win. Imagine a possible break up of the Shield where they go out and attack the champion together, and when Ambrose goes to cash in, Reigns spears him and they attack him. (Who comes out as faces or heels in that scenario, I’m not sure. I would assume Ambrose is left as a heel, but it could be the other way around.) And Ambrose is the only one who comes into this looking dominant. He could also easily have the Shield help him win.

Cody Rhodes: The best choice to win this match. If anyone deserves to win this match, it’s Cody. He’s been in WWE the longest (Well, unless you count Damien Sandow as Idol Stevens, which, again, who’s counting that?), and he should have won a briefcase alongside Dolph Ziggler last year, but he was screwed out of it because they had the WWE Title one be for former champions like they are again this year. Cody’s done more than his fair share for this company, and ever since when he got the dashing gimmick and beyond, everything he’s done has been great. He even pulled off a mustache gimmick, and the Rhodes Scholars have been one of the most entertaining tag teams in recent memory. It’s time you give this man his due.

Okay, onto the WWE Championship MITB Match:

Sheamus: I swear to god, if WWE gives Sheamus the briefcase, they can go fuck themselves. Sheamus’s purpose for being in this match? “It’s been too long since he’s been champion.” (His words, not mine.) In truth, it hasn’t been nearly long enough since he was last champion. We’re still feeling the pain from his last title run last year. Worst World Heavyweight Champion besides Khali. And to think, he lost it to Big Show and had two more matches against him.

Randy Orton: Still an Orton fan, but he doesn’t need the case anymore than Sheamus does. He needs to turn heel. Also, apparently he got divorced – I assume if the Bellas were triplets, he’d be dating one now too.

????: It depends on who Kane’s replacement is. I don’t see it being someone I’d want to win, though. I’m glad they took Kane out of the match solely because it would be a good idea to sell what the Wyatt Family did to him on their debut. That being said, I don’t want Bray Wyatt to be in this match. He wouldn’t win, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to debut in the match. He needs to look good on his debut, and unless Kane or someone else were to attack him and fight with him through the crowd and backstage only for the Wyatts to destroy him, he’s come off looking bad. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Wyatts get involved with someone in this match – that’d be great. But only as interference. Now, as far as someone else being in the match – I don’t know who it could be. I STRONGLY HOPE IT ISN’T BIG SHOW. But I think it might be. That’d be the only way to put a damper on what should be an awesome match. So I’m just going to look forward to seeing who the replacement is. No Big Show, no Big Show, no Whammies, stop!

Rob Van Dam: Can’t wait to see RVD return! My first favorite wrestler back in WWE! Of course that doesn’t mean he’s going to jump to the top of the list of people who should win, but yea. I’m looking forward to his return and the crowd reaction, but I don’t feel like he should be winning this.

C. M. Punk: Yes, C.M. Punk is my favorite and the best in the world, but he’s definitely not the best choice to win the match. I’m expecting Brock Lesnar to cost him the match anyway.

Christian: My second choice and perhaps the most deserving of the win, but not my #1 pick to win. He may deserve it more than anyone but I’d be shocked if WWE gave him it. I’d be shocked if he ever got more than an IC Title ever again just because they’re assholes.

Daniel Bryan: My pick to win. Unfortunately it seems super mega obvious that he’s going to win so it wouldn’t be overly surprising if WWE just decided to swerve us and give the belt to someone else for lols.  But they’re building him up a lot, so please just stick with it and go all the way with it this time.

And finally, let’s hope the WWE MITB Ladder Match is the main event, because nothing on the card is going to top this match. Do NOT put Cena vs. Henry on after this because the crowd’s simply not going to give a fuck. Cena/Henry’s just going to get shit on by the crowd anyway.

Well, that’s all for the predictions, so I’ll be back Sunday night with a review.

#LaterMarks #ButImNotWrong #BelieveInTheShield #StraightEdgeMeansImBetterThanYou #IsItOctoberYet?