Well, we’re finally here. WrestleMania is finally here again. But is it, really? Is this really WrestleMania? Because I was of the impression that Mania was where all the best matches and the big stories come to a head. And that’s not what this is. This is, for the most part, WWE throwing as much shit against the wall and seeing what sticks as they can. Sure, there are a few matches on here that will be good. The problem is that I count maybe six of those if we’re lucky, and there are 14 total matches.
I confess myself disappointed. Two months ago so many other options – so many really good options – were available to them. But then the card got leaked, and, well…everyone stopped caring. I had hope that a good amount of those matches that I thought could happen would actually happen. Not all of them – that’s not realistic. But a good amount of them. But WWE is intent on having the worst possible card they can. Almost all of this show is the worst case scenario. My interest in this show basically died at Elimination Chamber, after they visually proved to me how stupid they are. I refused to believe the internet reports until that show happened that they are as dumb as the reports said.
I’m kind of dawdling here because there are so many problems with this show that I’m not even sure where to begin. I have to rant about all of the matches, I’m going to talk about the Hall of Fame, I’m going to talk about what could have been, and the ideal scenario going forward. I feel like I need to rant about all three women’s matches at once because the rant is all interconnected and I’m not sure I can do them separately without it spilling over. I’ve been dying to write this post for about a month now – the moment I knew this card was going to happen, I was ready. It’s only been building since then. Well, let’s just get on with it – I feel like it’s going to take all night. We’re going to start lower on the card and start with some non-rants, though. We’re going to build this up.
Everything Wrong with WrestleMania 34
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Okay, this match just kind of exists. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just there. I have no rants about it, although it would be nice if the Revival were in, you know, a tag team title match and not a battle royal because they’re amazing and being wasted. But, that’s about the only real complaint I have. I guess the same goes for Tye. But, all things aside, this match is what it is. As far as a winner goes, it makes the most sense to give this match to Elias. He’s the one going into this with the most build who could use another feather in his cap. Tye wouldn’t be a bad choice either. I could also see Matt Hardy or a returning Big Cass win.
Prediction AND Ideal Outcome: Elias
WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali
Now this is a match I’m looking forward to. It’s disappointing that this will be on the preshow AGAIN but what can I do to make WWE actually appreciate their talent that’s actually good? I don’t really watch 205 Live but it sounds like the show’s been better since its revamp. I’m not really going to say it’s a shame what happened to Enzo because, quite frankly, while I think it’s clear the rape accusation was false, it’s still pretty clear that he’s a garbage human and his existence in the company is not required. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Believe women. Don’t let one idiot turn you into one of those fucktards who immediately defend their beloved celebrity hero guys just out of ignorant fuckboyism.) Plus, we get a far better match than we could ever get out of Enzo out of it, so really, there’s no loss here. I don’t mind who wins. I have no real reason to pick one over the other outside of the fact that Cedric seems like the chosen one of the cruiserweights.
Ideal Outcome: Either
Prediction: Cedric Alexander
Fatal 4-Way for the WWE U.S. Championship
Randy Orton (c) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Rusev vs. Jinder Mahal
I don’t really have much of a rant for this, but until Rusev was put into this match I didn’t give a single fuck about it. I mean, why would anyone think Randy “All Lives Matter There’s Not Enough God in Our Schools” Orton, Gloriously Boring Bobby Roode, and Anti-American Gimmick #3245647383 would amount to a good match? Now I don’t really think the addition of Rusev isn’t going to improve the match THAT much, but it will give me someone to root for at least – even though I don’t think it’s going to happen.
What Could Have Been: Well, really the fact that Rusev has basically gotten over huge as a face made what I was hoping for become not really an option since it really requires Rusev to be hated – that was Rusev vs. Chad Gable.
Ideal Outcome: Rusev wins
Prediction: Randy Orton
WWE World Tag Team Champonship
(c) The Bar (c) vs. Braun Strowman and ??
So, you’re telling me that you’ve been building Braun Strowman up as a monster for two years, and last year he gets stuck in a battle royal, and this year he’s stuck in a tag team title match with a mystery partner? Now, I don’t want to take away from this match in itself, because it should still be fun and I’ve always enjoyed guessing who a mystery person is. As far as partner’s go, I wanted it to be Elias but that’s not happening. We could see whatever Bray Wyatt is going to be now. But I kind of want Braun to win on his own.
What could have been: The Bar vs. The Revival could have been a thing, guys. Also, more importantly, Braun Strowman, the hottest thing in your company and built like a guy WWE would want to push, could have won the title tonight finally – or even defended the title against Reigns. How that didn’t become a reality is a tragedy.
Ideal Outcome: Braun wins on his own.
Prediction: Braun Strowman and ??
Triple Threat for the WWE Blue World Tag Team Championship
(c) The Usos (c) vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers
This will be one of the best matches on the card. No question about it. I’m happy the Usos are finally on a main card and I’m glad Luke Harper gets a match that actually matters. I’m still hoping it ends up being a TLC match, but considering it isn’t, oh well. I’m not going to be mad at any result, but I think there’s an obvious route this needs to go.
Prediction AND Ideal Outcome: The Bludgeon Brothers
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
The Miz (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor
This isn’t the match I would have made here but I’ve got nothing against this match, either. All three guys are great. I’m struggling to not pick the Miz here because if he loses it, I don’t see a particular reason to put the title on one over the other. I guess Finn would make the most sense because he needs it more than Seth would – especially if Finn’s the demon. I hope so. A lot of people are saying “Oh it doesn’t make sense because of the story” but then you’re trying to tell me that Finn Balor, the guy known for his special entrances, isn’t going to do his special entrance on the show where literally everyone has a special entrance now.
Ideal Outcome: The Miz retains so he can move on to a storyline with Daniel Bryan over the IC Title, although I guess he doesn’t need the title for it.
Prediction: The Miz
Trust me, this hasn’t been rant heavy, but they’re coming soon. The only rant I’ve thrown out is the U.S. Title one but it’s really just apathy and not anger.
Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs. Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens
Everyone’s looking forward to this one now, obviously. I’m not even mad Sami vs. KO isn’t happening. As much as I’m looking forward to this match, I’m sick to death of this angle, and I hope it comes to an end here. The question is – will someone turn on someone? And I say yes. But I don’t know who! There’s no way Shane and Bryan lose without someone turning on the other, and I think KO and Sami need to win. They could just go to Raw, but I don’t need them to change brands again. Also, let’s please get one thing straight – I know Daniel Bryan is back now and we all love him and it’s great, but let’s not go back to the mentality of Daniel Bryan or bust. It was bullshit before, it’s even worse if it happens now. I will not accept the mentality of “If Bryan doesn’t win the Rumble and subsequently the title then fuck this company!” It made sense in 2014. BUT ONLY IN 2014. There are plenty of problems about Roman Reigns, yes, but we’re not going back to that crap. You have to remember that we have Daniel Bryan back now and that’s awesome, but we also have AJ Styles, Seth Rollins, Finn Balor, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, Rusev, Shinsuke Nakamura, Ricochet, Adam Cole, Andrade Cien Almas, Tommaso Ciampa, Johnny Gargano, Aleister Black, and a bunch of others. We’re not fighting for just one guy here and you better act accordingly.
Ideal Outcome: Sami and Kevin win after Shane turns on Bryan, ultimately leading to Bryan vs. the stable and potentially moving on to the title. Or, Daniel and Shane win and Bryan moves to Raw. Regardless, either Bryan or Styles will be on Raw soon, I don’t think a brand can contain both of them.
Prediction: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
A.J. Styles (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Absolutely nothing wrong here – this is exactly where we were supposed to end up. Which is weird, considering that usually doesn’t happen. Now, a story would’ve been nice. You can’t just throw “Dream Match” at me a million times and expect that to work. I’m struggling to want Shinsuke to win over A.J. just because I love A.J. so much. I love Shinsuke, but I probably don’t love him as much as others do. But, they fucked up terribly putting Jinder fucking Mahal over him and that was a travesty. WWE’s extreme mishandling of Shinsuke has made the ignorant part of the fan base legitimately think he’s not as great as he is – and the fault lies in the hands of WWE entirely. Like I said earlier, I’m pretty sure A.J. is going to end up on Raw soon, or Bryan will – but probably A.J. I don’t think WWE wants to put Bryan and Reigns on the same show, so Shinsuke wins.
Prediction: Shinsuke Nakamura
Okay, we’ve pretty much gone through the non-rants, so we’re going to have to get through them now. A few thoughts on the Hall of Fame first, though. (Also contains rants.)
Not much to say about Goldberg, Jeff Jarrett, Hillbilly Jim, Mark Henry, and D-Von and Bubba Ray “Defender of Stalking” Dudley. Outside of Jim and Jeff they deserve it.
Now, I have no ill will towards Ivory herself, and it’s not a rant about her. She deserves to be there. I just need to yell at WWE for pretending that she was some kind of important cog in their “Women’s Revolution” that they tried to do when they announced her. IF SOMEONE FROM 2001 WAS THAT IMPORTANT OF A COG IN THE WOMEN’S REVOLUTION THEN WHY WERE THERE TEN YEARS OF IRRELEVANT WOMEN’S WRESTLING AFTER SHE LEFT??? THE “WOMEN’S REVOLUTION” CAME TO EXIST BECAUSE OF YEARS OF IRRELEVANCE AFTER IVORY’S EXISTENCE. YOU CAN’T BE PART OF THE SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM THAT CAME AFTER YOU.
And then there’s Kid Rock. Terrible rocker and now conservative psychopath that thinks he’s running for senate. Yes, this fucktard is being inducted into the Hall of Fame for having done one of Undertaker’s theme songs and having a boring as fuck ten minute long concert NO ONE WANTED to see at Mania 25 and then subsequently had some kind of contract dispute that kept the concert from being on the dvd.
Anyways, moving on.
John Cena vs. Undertaker
This match is happening, don’t try to tell me it isn’t. I’m pretty sure the reason they haven’t announced this match is just so I can’t have a proper match picture for this. Now my only real rant about this is that I really don’t need anymore Undertaker matches. I’m fine with him being done. I certainly don’t need him to show up on Sunday and announce a match with Cena NEXT YEAR. ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU DON’T BUILD TO A MATCH FOR MORE THAN A MONTH AND THEN NOT DO IT FOR NO REASON. (Cough Sasha vs. Bayley Cough) Anyways, there’s no way Biker Taker is happening. If this is Taker’s last match, it’s NOT going to be as Biker Taker. And there’s NO REASON for Undertaker to lose ever again. The streak is over and he put over Roman. He doesn’t need to lose to Cena. It’s not even a “OMG it’s Cena thing.” There’s just no point of bringing Taker back just for him to lose to Cena.
Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon
You know, I don’t really have a problem with Ronda’s existence in the company, because it’s fine. It’s just when I hear people say how she showed up and is now the top star of the women’s division. HELL FUCKING NO. You do not come into the company and get accepted as a top star just because you have a name. Sure, Ronda Rousey has a name. She doesn’t have wrestling skills to my knowledge and she certainly can’t talk on the mic either. You go to the performance center, train, learn the craft, and in a few years, we’ll talk. Until then, stop pretending she’s arrived and jumped ahead of all of the other women there. Ronda showed up, but she did NOT jump in front of Sasha, Becky, Bayley, and Asuka, etc. That being said – Ronda is supposed to be this big star and you PUT HER IN A MIXED TAG MATCH. You can’t even showcase her properly because half of it is Kurt vs. HHH. Was the MMC just to make mixed tag matches seem important before this match happened? I feel like it was. And don’t give me some bullshit about Ronda ending Asuka’s streak.
Prediction: Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey
Now I don’t know if I can separate the women’s matches rants into three spots but I guess I’m going to have to try.
WWE Blue Women’s Championship
Charlotte (c) vs. Asuka
Sigh. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone mistakenly present this match as a dream match because I’d be rich. STOP PRETENDING CHARLOTTE IS GOOD. STOP PRETENDING CHARLOTTE IS SOME KIND OF WRESTLING GOD. Charlotte is trash. In the age where we’re supposed to believe WWE cares about women’s wrestling, they push the mediocre blonde woman with a famous last name instead of the ones with talent. Asuka to win, no Carmella cash in. And when this match is bad because Charlotte is terrible, don’t be surprised and don’t blame it on lack of chemistry. Sadly there is a chance Charlotte could win even though she is definitely not the person to end Asuka’s streak. (Let’s be real, the right person to end Asuka’s streak was Ember Moon back in August, but here we are.)
What could have been: This should have been Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch. Or even better. And then when Becky wins, Carmella cashes in and wins. Becky won the title in 2016 by last eliminating Carmella, and they feuded – bring it full circle.
Prediction and Ideal Outcome: Asuka
WWE Women’s Championship
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Nia Jax
This is the best thing they can come up with for the women’s title HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What a fucking joke. “Hi we’re WWE and we care about our women and here’s this title match between mediocrity and trash” aka Alexa “I think getting rid of Net Neutrality is a good idea and I won a match with a slap so clearly I’m actually a good wrestler even though I’m afraid to take a bump” Bliss and Nia “I’m gonna walk out of the company because I lost to someone who can actually wrestle. Also I’m related to the Rock” Jax. Good God. WHY? WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR FANS WWE? WHY ARE YOU INSULTING OUR INTELLIGENCE THAT THIS WAS THE BEST WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH YOU CAN COME UP WITH? LMAO FUCK OFF. “HI WE’RE WWE AND WE CARE ABOUT OUR WOMEN BUT HERE’S OUR MEDIOCRE CHAMPIONS WHILE OUR GOOD WOMEN ARE STUCK ON THE PRESHOW IN A BATTLE ROYAL.” Anyways, now that that’s over, for now – this is trash and you know you’re fucking up when you make me root for someone as mediocre as Bliss. So am I supposed to feel bad for Nia? Because I don’t. I don’t need to have my awareness raised to fatshaming because I don’t fatshame people – I’m normal and don’t need to be told I shouldn’t call people bad names. I don’t care about who Nia is, what she looks like, etc. Fact remains she’s bad at her job so until she improves, you don’t belong being the champion. This should be on the preshow. Anyways, as much as I’m going to hate Jax as a champion, I’m going to laugh at the sorry Alexa stans when their mediocre hero loses to basically the worst possible option that isn’t Many Rose – and quite honestly, Alexa fans deserve it not only for their insane notion that Alexa is actually a good wrestler just because she has decent mic skills, but because they also think this match is a “dream match” even though for something to be a dream match, it needs to be between two good wrestlers – and this match doesn’t even have one.
What could have been: SASHA BANKS VS. ASUKA WAS A POSSIBILITY AND YOU CHOSE THIS TRASH. GG WWE, any transparency you had about who you push is gone. Instead of pushing talent, you push these mediocre people because of their hair color and last names. Your champions are basically just new age Bella Twins.
Ideal Outcome: Ideally Carmella cashes in and walks out the champ so I don’t have to deal with either of them.
Prediction: Nia Jax
Women’s Battle Royal
Where do I start with this? Should I start with WWE pretending to care about their women and then originally naming this after a woman who is widely known to essentially be a racist pimp that exploited her trainees sexually? Should I start with the fact that the trophy looks like the female reproductive organs? Should I start with the fact that you’re calling this the first ever WrestleMania women’s battle royal when there was a women’s battle royal at WrestleMania 25? I mean, I know that 10 minute boring Kid Rock concert was cut from Mania 25, but I happen to know that that concert had the women in that battle royal making their entrance during. Or should I start with the fact that Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch, and Bayley – the backbone of the entire women’s division, the women who have brought the women’s division to where it is today – it wasn’t Charlotte who did this, it certainly wasn’t Alexa fucking Bliss or Nia fucking Jax – it was Sasha, Becky, and Bayley – and you put these women in a meaningless battle royal on the preshow. You want to present the women as if you care but you’ve positioned them so that we get two mediocre title matches because everyone but Asuka doesn’t know what they’re doing while the women that are good waste their time on the preshow. I feel so bad for them – how bad it must be for them to be as good as they are and to keep getting passed over for their inferiors. WWE doesn’t deserve them, to be honest.
What could have been: YOU BUILT SASHA VS BAYLEY FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN PUT THEM IN A BATTLE ROYAL. DUMBASSES. Now when they do this again a year from now I’m going to have to listen to people bitch about how they built this up a year ago for nothing and “IT’S TIRED” and “WE’VE DONE THIS” by fucking stupid stans. Anyways, you could have put a women’s match on this card that people actually WANTED to see, and one that had a rivalry and an actual story behind it, because the other two matches don’t have one. But instead we get a battle royal and two bullshit title matches.
Ideal outcome: Ideally Sasha Bayley and Becky eliminate everyone immidiately and then have their rightful match they should be having.
Prediction: Becky Lynch
WWE Universal Championship
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns
Now I don’t really have a big rant about this, really. I’m just putting this about here because it’s the main event and it goes last. Now, I really don’t give a fuck. I’m ready to have an actual champion. I know that’s what WWE wants me to think but too bad. Now, Roman’s promos would mean something if this wasn’t a scenario WWE couldn’t fix just by saying “Brock, show up.” Because they could and he’d have to. Heyman’s promo about Brock a month ago would mean something maybe if Brock had been there. Roman saying that Brock is Vince’s boy is comical at best. And really, WWE – you put THAT song in their buildup video and not in the Ciampa/Gargano video? LOL thanks for that. Anyways, Braun belongs here in some capacity and you know it.
Prediction: Roman Reigns
Phew, it’s finally over. I guess it’s not as ranty as I felt it was going to be but that’s fine. Anyways, review Sunday.
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